Ummm, You Have Shit In Your Teeth

BOSS: "Hey, did you get a chance to complete that report we talked about?"

MY THOUGHT: Yes, dick. I sent it to you this morning but you were so busy dry humping Karen in Accounting because she got the new 4G iPhone that you didn't bother to review it.

MY ACTUAL RESPONSE: "Yes, I sent it to you this morning- did you have time to review it?"

BOSS: "Oh, OK. I'll take a look at that this afternoon and have my edits by EOD."

MY THOUGHT: Excellent. I love when you shit on my desk with a stack of edits while you're walking out the door and I'm stuck working on them until 8 pm. Tell the family I say hi.

MY ACTUAL RESPONSE: "Great, thanks." [insert small talk here]

Many things at work are enough to exhaust me beyond belief, give me small mental breakdowns, and lead me to the brink of stabbing myself in the eye with a ballpoint pen. But as aforementioned,  the finer things in life are the small details. What enabled me to carry on small talk with this boss that I loathe 78% of the time? The fact that he had a huge piece of shit (or something of the sort) in his teeth. Spotting something such as this can be a very empowering thing.

Knowing that this person (who I'll refer to as "Ned" from now on) has such a hideous distraction on their face also comes with a lot of strategy and control on my part. First plan of action? Keep the small talk rolling. This way, making him smile and evoking laughter exposes the shit to an even more noticeable degree. However, while doing this, it's very important to keep my own laughter under control, as well as ensure that my eye contact with him is consistent so that he doesn't trace my eyes observing only his mouth region. Small talk with the outcome of laughter will also encourage other people to join in on the conversation, which will then expose the shit on Ned's pearly yellows to 2-3 more people. 

While one of these newcomers might have the decency to normally tell Ned to remove the shit from his teeth, there's now the awkwardness that they can't say something, because if they tell Ned about the shit in his teeth in front of a group of people, they run the risk of embarrassing Ned (and thus, pissing Ned off). After my usual fun with this, one can pretty much assume that eventually someone will have the decency to tell Ned about the shit in his teeth and the next time I see him it will have been swallowed. 

However, occasionally a higher being will reward me and by 5 pm when Ned brings me those report edits, the shit is still residing in the space between his big tooth and the incisor tooth right next to it like it has been there his whole life. Then, just as he's about to walk out the door I can casually say, "Hey, Ned. You have something in your teeth."

Ned will immediately think one of two things:

1. "Welp, better get it out."

2. "How embarrassing." 

If it's #2, his next thought will be, "How long has it been there?" Which will lead him to think about the last time he ate. When he figures that was around 11:30 am, he will immediately know that the identified piece of shit has been present all damn day. The world makes sense again.

On a different note:

When it's someone you like that has shit in their teeth, but you haven't formed the bond to where you feel like you can tell them to get it out immediately, I usually end up being the one that feels more embarrassed. A very high-level boss that you respect, when it's someone that you've wanted to bone for the past 4 months, etc. 

It becomes conflicting. I want this person to know, but if I tell them, will they appreciate it, or would they rather figure it out themselves? Maybe they will be embarrassed but appreciate it at the same time. Will they try to pick it out of their teeth on the spot, or will they immediately escape back into their own cube/bathroom to observe the scene? Sometimes if I don't tell someone, hours later I will still be thinking, "man, I should have told them about that can of spinach hanging off of their canine. I hope they got it off."

Have you ever noticed how some people just happen to have the type of teeth that naturally catches shit in it? It's gross. Like even knowing that the second they bite into a peanut butter sandwich, half of it will magically appear wedged in between every crevice and molar they have in their mouth. And people, please don't pick it out right in front of me. Slap some antibacterial on those germ-infested fingers and do that in your own privacy. 

Either way, we have all been the victim of having shit in our teeth, as well as observing someone else having shit in their teeth. I suppose it's just another example of life's awkward blessings.

In conclusion, all that is left to say about this is: whether you love me or hate me, please tell me if I have shit in my teeth (but maybe spare me in front of a group of people). I'll appreciate it.

Happy flossing...

Tulips & Windmills

Another bucket list item: see the tulip fields in Amsterdam.

There is the most incredible picture of my mother sitting in the middle of a tulip field in Holland in the early 70s. She looks so classic, so beautiful. If it came down to inheriting only a small number of my parent's possessions, that picture would be my #1 pick.

Not only are tulips my favorite flower (take note, boys), I have always wanted to go to Amsterdam for a good time. To coincide with my new life plan of visiting a new place every year, this would be a great place to visit in April 2011, when the tulip fields in Amsterdam are at their finest.

Viking River Cruises is currently offering a 10 day Tulips & Windmills excursion from Amsterdam to Antwerp to Belgium, then back to Amsterdam at half price rates until July 31st of this year. Granted the prices listed do not include the plane ride, but that can always be arranged later. The downside is that in order to get the half price discount, you also must PAY by July 31st.

Tulips, Amsterdam festivities, Belgian chocolate, wooden shoes, the Van Gough museum, Anne Frank's hideaway... the possibilities are endless.

Bottom line: I'm looking for a partner in crime. Any takers?

Awkward Family Pet Photos

It really doesn't need any further explanation...

Enjoy.

K2 - LEGAL Marijuana?

Steady buzz has been floating among many of us, but more importantly about the recent creation of K2, otherwise known as legal synthetic marijuana. Naturally, the new product has been causing all sorts of indigestion with the fuzz, conservative legislators and [insert anti-drug group here], but many tokers are looking at this as a godsend!

Otherwise referred to as "the business man's smoke," K2 is said to produce a high that provides a great case of the giggles, and doesn't leave you drooling from the mouth / slightly retarded for the remainder of the day. Another plus (in some situations) is that it is stench free, which would have been really beneficial to me during the time spent under the bleachers in between classes in high school (juuust kidding, kind of). While some have even reported hallucinating off of K2, I just think they're pussies and have never had a real trip before. Something has to go seriously wrong to obtain hallucinogenic effects from this product.

The obvious question many of you are asking about the product is "yeah, but does it really work?" The short, simple answer = Yes (allegedly).

Too good to be true? It may vary for different people - but you'll just have to go buy your own stash and form your own opinion.

Note: DO NOT buy this product online. Many local retailers now sell this product, and the majority of online distributors will sell you a fake product (hence maybe some of those hallucinations... wait, maybe you should look online instead?).

Finally, some kill that gives you a high and won't show up in your hair or on a pee test! Next time you're running low, your dealer is out of town, or you can't stand another minute of your kid's t-ball game without a dragon rip to the head, you might as well trot on up to your local head shop and snag a bag of legal dank for about $15.

Enjoy a brief, mild, safe, legal, untraceable journey, all you smokers out there!