The Real Housewives of... HOUSTON?

Yes, believe it. The time has finally come. Rumor has it that casting directors have narrowed it down to about 5 women thus far. It has not been stated when filming will begin once these women are chosen, which only means one thing: I've got to go buy a new little black dress and parade around the Houston social scene like it's no one's business. 

Being the awkward, wall-eyed stalker in the background of 5 solid episodes would simply be a dream come true. I've gotten to a point in my life where I have absolutely no shame left- let the stalking begin!

To see pictures of the narrowed down selection of candidates, click here. Immediately.

Jeff Bagwell's wife, Ericka, was a candidate who is no longer listed in the latest update of finalists. I would have really liked to see her on the show since I spent my childhood playing "house" where I would tirelessly raise Jeff and I's twin daughters. They even made laughing and crying sounds, but mostly laughed since Jeff and I were such good parents and we were so happy together. It would have been interesting to see if Jeff's current lady holds a candle to what I brought to the table back in the day, including my Easy Bake Oven specialties that were to die for. Guess I'll just have to keep the faith that no one could compare to my domesticity and undying love for that bat stance.

Crystal Wall, however (yes, the wife of rapper Paul Wall), is in the running all of a sudden. What the shit? Great. If Kim from Atlanta released "Tardy for the Party" (which truly is a classic) and that plastic man Danielle Staub is now doing duets with her new lesbian lover, you can only imagine what Crystal has up her sleeve. Whatever song she decides to release, I'm sure it will make all Houstonians proudly embarrassed.

I'll be keeping a close eye on all you broads. Even if you're a bunch of dirty bitches, I'm still stoked that H-Town will eventually be featured on one of the greatest trash shows ever. 

Make me proud, gals. And please, please, don't have nasty, twangy country accents- talking like that really is grosser than all of your vaginas combined.

Cash Cab

Cash Cab is the most addicting game show... ever. Not only has it been my favorite game show for a while because of the interesting trivia, it is also my favorite because I'm secretly (well, not anymore) in love with Ben Bailey.

If you haven't seen it, consider this your slap on the wrist. Check it out on the Discovery Channel.

Cheers to you, Ben Bailey, for hosting a kick-ass show and winning your first Emmy last night for Best Game Show Host!

Suck it, Alex Trebek!

Garage Sales

No common phrase is more suitable for garage sales than "one man's trash is another's treasure." 

I have some fond memories of helping my mom with garage sales when I was younger, namely the time that my dad was out of town and we decided that the downstairs needed to be completely redecorated. We hauled the living room couch, the barstools, table and chairs, etc. outside and sold them for next to nothing. My dad wet himself with furry upon returning.

Sadly, the majority of the time it turns out that one man's trash is another man's trash. While the thrill of the hunt is enough to get most middle aged women off, nothing is more anti-climatic than showing up to a garage sale and seeing pure shit out on the lawn (or garage, rather).  Umm, I'm sorry, you spent more money and time making those neon posters that are posted around the neighborhood than all of these Taco Bell kids meal toys are worth. Turns out that "huge blowout" was referring to all of the diarrhea that those Chalupas once gave you. 

"Hi, I was wondering if you guys happened to have a box of kids meal toys and some rotten baseball hats with sweat stains on them?"

"You're in luck!"

Gross, people.

Because I have been in the market for a new piece of furniture to refinish, I thought I would bite the bullet and check out some garage sales in the area. I figured that people in the River Oaks / Heights area wouldn't be as bad. I found a townhouse in the Heights and stopped by in hopes of finding an old dresser. I arrived around 1:30 and it started at 2. The owner wasn't home, so I was awkwardly standing outside in the heat with literally 20 people that were all south of the border. The house opened at 2 on the dot. I suppose Garage Sale was the wrong term to use, because some lady that lived in this home was moving to another country and EVERYTHING in her house was for sale. Designer shoes, Prada bags, unbelievably expensive tables, couches, chairs, bedroom sets, etc. Not to mention that her taste was exquisite. 

It was amazing, but it was a nuthouse. People were raiding the house left and right. The place was 4 stories tall and I just asked where a dresser was and sprinted up the stairs to the 3rd floor and stumbled upon an old dresser that had great potential. She was asking for $200, and I ended up paying $100 for the dresser, and she threw in a free fancy wine opener (that I gave to my parents). I thought I would make good use of the people around me, so I solicited 2 guys to help load the dresser in my car for me, only to find that the broad still had all her belongings in it.

Because she was about to lose her mind shouting out prices to people on 4 different floors (nothing had a price on it), I just told her I was going to get all of the stuff out of it myself, so I just threw everything out of it, helped the guys load it in my car, and got the hell out of there. I was dripping with sweat as I rode off into the sunset with my great new buy. 

I'm looking forward to starting the dresser makeover during the July 4th weekend, and will hopefully have some pictures to show soon. 

Bonus from today: I found what I was looking for.

Bonus #2: I got to see the inside of an enormous, exquisite home in the Heights.

Bonus #3: No Taco Bell toys - quality all the way.

Happy hunting!

Pride, Not Prejudice

Although a native Houstonian, I have yet to ever attend the Houston Gay Pride Parade. That is, until tonight. I was out furniture shopping today with a friend when one of the old hippies that owns a shop on Westheimer warned us to move our car before too long in lieu of the parade.

I was down for going immediately. A couple of friends and I decided to grab some margaritas and check it out. What a riot! Over 150,000 people in the Montrose area - apparently one of the biggest gay parades in the nation. 

There were floats, there were beads (many of which were thrown and ended up hitting the side of my head... the heavier ones hurt), there was the Mayor of Houston, etc. White trash families, trannys of all shapes and sizes, ripped guys in speedos with huge socks stuffed in them, and girls with baggy shirts and sagging pants were all completed with the Grand Marshall being none other than Mr. Andy Cohen from Bravo. Being the shameless, Bravo-obsessed wanker that I am, I knew that I had to make a B-line when Andy drove by in the parade.  

As his car approached, I handed my camera to my friend and specifically said, "Don't fuck this up, or I'll kill you." I ran into the middle of the parade and up to his car and shook his hand and screamed, "HI ANDY!" 

The next 20 seconds consisted of an extremely profound conversation:

Andy: "Hi, how are you?"

Me: "I'm good, how are you?"

Andy: "I'm great, thank you."

Me: "You're so awesome- I'm obsessed with you."

Andy: "Aww, you're sweet. Thanks for coming out tonight."

Me: "No, thank you! I'm so excited!"

This is when he took the time for a photo opp knowing that my challenged friend was taking a picture. And this is the amazing result:

Way to go, [friend's name]. You fucked it up! Thankfully for everyone, I didn't kill her. I didn't want blood on my top and certainly didn't want to ruin the good time that the gays were having. And even though Andy probably thought I was a raging lesbian, he was SUPER nice. 

Andy, you get my Mazel of the Week!

Here are some top pictures (that are appropriate):

"2-4-6-8, How do you know your grandma's straight?"

The Disco Mobile

"Screw the Moon, we're going to Uranus!"

"Be Free from HIV"

I'll absolutely be going back next year.