National Slut Day

Wednesday is September. After September is October. And we all know what comes in October... national slut day, of course!
Perhaps it's to do with my lack of a rail thin figure with huge tits, but sometimes I dread showing up to a party where girls come up with every excuse they can to have their labia hanging out. 


White panties and white bra with wings = I'm an angel!
Black panties and black bra with wings = I'm a hell's angel!
Red Panties and red bra with tail = I'm the devil!
Brown Panties and brown bra with toolbelt = I'm a construction worker!
Blue panties and blue bra with a hat = I'm a sailor!
Yellow panties and yellow bra = I'm a piece of popcorn!


Get the idea? 
And it's not like I can blame these gals- if I had a killer bod I'd absolutely just go naked and say "I'm a cavewoman!"....but that is simply not the case. Despite my several years of trying to be a sexy lion, boxer, Tom Cruise in Risky Business (a night of drinking everclear while only wearing a shirt and men's underwear can be pretty horrendous-- summersaults in a bar, anyone?), and whatever the hell else my group of friends and I decided on, it only ended in an absolute hot mess. Ripped panty hose, uncomfortable wedgies, burning my clothes in bonfires, pictures with my left boob hanging out, etc. all lead to no good. 


I think I might take a different route this year. The frontrunner? Take a look at this beauty:

I'll spare you the theme song, but I will absolutely be doing the dance all night. 

Guess I should start practicing!

Other options that I am seriously considering include:

You look like you like mustard...did I mention I was a vegetarian?

Byyyeeee Buddy!

You're drrrrrrrrruuunnkkkk!

Not sure I could master the accent. Especially after a few beers.

Cruella De-Vil. Amazing.

Any sexy single men out there that want to take a Jabba the Hutt home?

I'm pretty overwhelmed by the plethora of amazing options...

Want a Raise? Wash Your Vagina.

So, ladies, you say you want a raise? How should you go about getting it?

First, you have to figure out how to compete with the guy in the next cubicle. After all, he went to a school almost as good as yours. His grades were nearly as good as yours, too. He works hard. In fact, most mornings, he's the second person in the office. You know this, because you're always first. He is young, ruggedly good looking, and he washes his balls with a manly but fresh sandalwood soap.

What to do?

Fortunately, the good folks at Women's Day and Summer's Eve have a few words of advice for you.

(No, this is not from the Onion. It is really from a full page ad in Women's Day)

What is the very first thing you should consider if you want a raise? What is the most important thing of all?

Yup, wash that vagina, and wash it good. Remember the sandalwood-scented balls. You don't want any, ahem, untoward odors to interfere with your chances, do you? What's that you say? You don't have an odor problem? You're clean, you bathe regularly, and you don't really need advice to use a product that "cleanses away odor-causing bacteria from the external vaginal area?" What are you, a barbarian? This is a raise you're talking about.

That was #1 on the "how to get a raise" list. What was last, least important? Well, after the "wash your vagina" advice, it must be something truly inconsequential, perhaps related to toenail hygeine with closed-toe shoes, right? Let's look:

Accomplishments? Who cares? You're a woman. Nobody wants to know about your accomplishments. No, what really matters is a great fresh cut flower smell from you-know-where.

Oh, and don't forget the penultimate piece of advice:

Yeah, don't let it get personal. Let the boss sniff your panties, just don't let it get personal.

On the other hand, if you think this is one of the most outrageous and insulting advertisements you've ever seen, feel free to tell the people at Woman's Day. You can also call them at (212) 767-6000.

And don't forget the Summer's Eve people. Their toll-free number is 866-787-6383, and the website is HERE.

Gene + Jill

Saturday I went and painted at A&J's house like I usually do on weekends. I finished another dresser that looks amazing, and A finished that damn nursery dresser that she has been working on for weeks. 2 more fine looking pieces to add to our collection, if I do say so myself. Because I felt as though I hadn't infringed upon their married life enough, i stayed for dinner, where J was nice enough to make me my own spaghetti sauce sans meat. I really love spending time with them- they are such great people that have really taken me in with open arms. I also can't seem to get enough of A, which is making things pretty weird (especially when her husband finds out that I brought her flowers). A&J are one of those couples that you wouldn't picture together if you knew them separately, but when they are together they just fit perfectly. You can tell how much in love they are with each other, and it's really neat to see because that sort of spark seems to be a rarity these days (maybe because she's out of control and he puts up with it). Seeing that married couple interaction is very interesting to me because I look forward to that in my life one day. Things are going to get REAL WEIRD when they read this...

So when I got home I decided to read what was new in Stephanie's world and she had a post that included the below video in it. Steph, after viewing several of these, this one is by far my favorite too. The scenery is so pretty, and I'm pretty sure that if i do get married one day that I too will wear TOMS with my dress.


Gene + Jill // Two Pease in a Pod from capture studios on Vimeo.



To prepare for a future this beautiful, I am doing the obvious: eating handfuls of dark chocolate peanut M&Ms while watching the Emmys. Now if married life could go away for a little bit and stop making me feel like I'm nowhere near that stage in my life, I'd really appreciate it.

Mad Libs Online!

This is really great news for such a shitty Wednesday.

MadGlibs, a knock-off of Mad Libs, are now online. The fun officially never stops and immaturity is at it's finest when people are using 5th grade vocabulary and being eco-friendly (i.e. sans paper) at the same time...

www.madglibs.com

Just for all to enjoy a small sample:

Dear Mom,
I'm having a stinky time at camp. The couselor is ugly and the food is foolish. I met Bornbad and we became horny friends. Unfortunately, Bornbad is rock hard and I farted my peener so we couldn't go pooping like everybody else.

*sigh* It just never gets old.