The Latest

Can be found in the Art Gallery, as always.

2 Million Dollar Bra

Adriana Lima wore a $2 million bra, called the Bombshell Fantasy Bra, designed by Damiani for Victoria’s Secret, in New York today, and it seems like if they were gonna go to all this trouble, they would have at least chosen a girl with a kick ass rack.

Taylor Swift is Whining Again

About John Mayer this time, according to TD.

Taylor Swift, who is 20, briefly dated John Mayer, who is 33, last year while collaborating on her record, and since every bad date this vindictive lunatic ever goes on gets a song about it, it’s a safe bet that the song on her new album called ‘Dear John’ is about Mayer.

The album won’t be released until Oct. 25, but Yahoo Music has the lyrics.

“Dear John/I see it all now that you’re gone/Don’t you think I was too young/To be messed with/The girl in the dress/Cried the whole way home/I should’ve known.”
“It was wrong/Don’t you think nineteen’s too young/To be played/By your dark, twisted games/When I loved you so.”
“My mother accused me of losing my mind/But I swore I was fine.”
“You’ll add my name to your long list of traitors who don’t understand/And I’ll look back in regret I ignored what they said/’Run as fast as you can’.”

Gee Taylor, maybe your dates would go better if the guy didn’t live every minute under the pressure that if he does something wrong, you’ll make him look like an asshole in front of millions of people.

Luckily, in this case, Mayer can write songs too. I think a good song would be one about a guy who worked really long hours locked in a room with this young needy slut who made it clear she was ready to give it up, so the guy was like, yeah okay why not. But she was horrible in bed and super clingy so he bailed. The song is called, “Two Can Play This Little Game, Dumb Ass”.

10 Baby Products Great for Traumatizing Infants

Raising a baby is a tough gig. "Experts" declare at every turn that the wrong decisions on nutrition, napping or enrichment will render your child emotionally barren, homeless, sexually deviant and, worst of all, short. It's no wonder child rearing products are such a huge industry. Here are some products perfect for developing little tykes ... into adults who want to murder their parents.



#10. Zaky Infant Pillow

The Zaky Infant Pillow will simulate your touch to soothe your child into rest, provided the baby is accustomed to being palmed by disembodied sausage-fingers.

They are weighted to remain firmly positioned, which is useful to parents who don't want to baby's first memory to be "The time mommy's massive foreman hands mercilessly pinned me down"

#9. Baby Keeper

This is a dangerous idea. Not because it looks unstable or poorly constructed, but because its utility is too seductive.

Once the parent realizes how freeing this is, it will never stop with bathroom breaks. Want to vacuum? Slap that squirming bundle of modern art up on a closet door for a few minutes! Not enough room for the groceries and the child safety seat in the car? Use those hooks on the bumper and make an impromptu side car!

#8. Pee-Pee Teeee

It's not just a mechanism to block rogue urine sprays , it's a festive party hat for your baby's junk!

We noticed they are sized so adults can wear them too, but you might consider not breaking it out at the next office shindig. You don't want your last name being synonymous with HR's "Penis Hat" precedent for inappropriate conduct.

#7. Au Pair Baby Leash

This is a great way to teach your children "I trust you exactly none." Think of it as a renewed umbilical cord designed to transfer shame instead of nutrients.

Note: this product is NOT recommended for joggers. That's a mistake you'll only make once.

#6. "Daddle"

Sure, you could provide "horsie rides" without it, but then you wouldn't have a baby toy that doubles as an accoutrement for submissive sex play.

Not many kids toys come with the advisory "Don't leave children unattended with this toy. Also never forget your safeword."

#5. Manual Snot Sucker

Here are two key points when using this product :

* Take the time to fully sterile the equipment before every use. You will also want to budget some time during use for letting the waves of nausea pass when you realize what you're collecting in that straw.

* When you feel pressure inserting the tube, stop promptly. If you notice the child cannot move the left side of its body when you apply suction, you've gone too far.

#4. Po-Knee

The cleverly named Po-Knee brings the technology of faux pony rides into the new millenium. Never before has Creepy Uncle bait been so sophisticated.

Parents, always verify the individual offering a spirited Po-Knee ride is wearing pants.

#3. Bucktooth Pacifier

Not only is this unspeakably cute , it comes with additional benefits as well. This gift will encourage random people to point and laugh at your baby, the one individual who isn't in on the joke.

This will help educate your baby on the soul-crushing bleakness that this world will rain upon them through the whole of their painful, pathetic lives. It's a small price to pay to have your baby wook wike a widdle bunny-wabbit! Awwwww!

#2. Baby Mop

Inventors in Japan are fed up with babies constantly making messes and never cleaning up after themselves. Introducing the baby mop, this leverages the all natural cleaning power of drool to buff your floors to a high shine. Please note that extended wear on carpet may build a static charge equivalent to licking a car battery. 

#1. Her First Heels

Coming soon: Her First Drunken Bar Encounter and Her First Awkward Morning After. Collect all three!

Tart Her Up, LLC. cannot be held accountable for any swing in sexuality by putting these on your son.