How to Flirt to Get Ahead in Your Career

A friend of mine sent me this article (shout-out to Catie!), and reading it pretty much started my day off on the exact point I was hoping for. Just when we all find ourselves easily getting sucked into constant career/life advice from overworked and underpaid internet writers (sounds familiar), a gem appears to realign our idea of true reality. As a hardworking business woman in corporate America, I am the first to admit that I indeed work for “the man” (or several), and “the man” is not always nice, nor the easiest to please.
 
However, thanks to all higher beings for publishing this writer, who explains that I really don’t have to use my intellect whatsoever to be a successful woman; rather, a little T&A will get me to places that I never would have been capable of before! Thank you, FEMALE WRITER, for perpetually encouraging all the retards with XX chromosomes out there to never apply themselves to anything other than resting their tits on tables, caking on too much bronzer, and fake laughing at men’s unfunny jokes. I have decided to add some additional commentary to further emphasize these valuable points. Enjoy!

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Flirting is a basic and fundamental form of social interaction that, despite the best efforts of managers and policy makers, is a daily part of most work environments. People flirt at work to find love, to get promotions, to pass the time, and sometimes because they just can't help themselves. At best, it's an innocent way to build positive relationships and have fun with coworkers, but at worst it's an unwelcome and offensive means of making people feel uncomfortable and harassed, but this usually only happens if you’re ugly.

But science shows that when done right flirting can raise self-esteem, boost energy levels, and even improve job satisfaction; so whether you're looking to land a big promotion or find true love, we have tips to help make it happen.

 

How to flirt to get ahead in your career

 

Flirting effectively in a professional environment really amounts to mastering the art of making people feel connected and good about themselves without crossing the line to something much more personal. Here are a few key secrets of professional flirting courtesy of Forbes.

• Smile and make eye contact to show that you're engaged and interested in what the other person is saying. Just keep nodding your head and look interested while you’re really picturing each other naked.
• Build positive rapport by making light jokes and having an overall cheerful, friendly, and open demeanor. Remember ladies: open legs = open demeanor
• Ask colleagues personal but career-related questions, like how they got into the industry or whether they've ever dealt with a particular challenge, to help you feel closer. For example, “how did you manage to get promoted and still experience erectile dysfunction at the same time? Is there anything I can do to ensure that ‘problem’ never surfaces again?”
• Flatter by complimenting successful projects, ideas, and even clothes or hair as long as you genuinely mean it. Be careful not to "play favorites" or lay it on so thick it seems insincere. For example, “I love your new haircut, Ned. It totally makes your dong look 5 inches bigger”
• Touch sparingly on the lower arm or hand to emphasize a point and connect. All other touching should only happen after lunch or in the vacant office downstairs.
• Put your best self forward and show that you're a confident professional by wearing stylish and fitted (not tight) clothes that flatter your figure but don't show too much skin. Rule of thumb: areola is acceptable; entire nipple is slutty.

 

Office romances: Tricky territory

 

Put a group of people together for eight hours a day five days a week, and attractions are bound to spring up. Get it? Office romance is a tricky thing, though, and how you handle it can affect not only your personal life but also your professional reputation and livelihood. According to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, employers are seeing an uptick in lawsuits from workers who claim they were fired in order to head off a possible discrimination case. Now when you say “head off,” do you really mean…. The litigious environment is making many companies extra cautious about workplace relationships, which is why most companies now provide free condoms in the break room.

If you do choose to pursue an office relationship, be sure to educate yourself on your company's HR policies first, keep your behavior professional at all times, and keep any romantic flirtation strictly outside the office. This is all safe talk that really means, always be extra nice to your boss’ wife.

 

Absolute workplace flirting nos nos

• Don't make people uncomfortable. If the other party is not reciprocating or the flirting feels awkward, abort mission immediately.
• Don't use touch too frequently or anywhere other than on the lower arm or hand before lunch.
• Don't dress provocatively or push the limits of professionalism by wearing clothes that are too tight, too high, or too low-cut if you want to keep your shitty salary. And keep makeup subdued and traditionally sexy fashion statements (like animal print) to small accessories only (i.e. thongs, garters, etc.).
• Don't behave seductively (licking your lips, looking people up and down, bending over, etc.) unless there is a minimum of three watching you at once. This will give them a bonding experience after you have walked away.
• Don't target specific individuals for frequent compliments or attention. Instead, make them compliment you by following the above pointers.
• Never flirt in writing, over e-mail or IM (it's never really completely deleted). Instead, photocopy your ass and slip it into a report that you deliver to your boss yourself.