Christmas is Over

I always get so depressed when Christmas is over. There is such a big buildup that the feeling when it's over is emptiness and "let-down." My mom always says that she likes it because it means that a fresh new year is on the horizon, but I don't particularly enjoy January - September... which now that I type that, that is terrible. It gets better once January is over, I think.
The good news is that I am off work for another whole week, which I could not be more grateful for. I really need the time to recharge my batteries and disconnect for a while.

On Dec 23 I went over to Ashley's parent's house for her mom's birthday. All of her immediate family and their family friends were there, and it took me the whole night to follow who belonged to which family, but it was a lot of fun - I'm so thankful she invited me, and I had more fun than I ever imagined. I also got to meet my future husband, aka Ashley's brother, who was REAL cute. It's more of a joke though, really (well, not really, but really...).

I was in no condition to drive home, so I stayed at their house and woke up at 7 am. I put on my boots and tried to quietly sneak out of the house, but their back gate was locked, thus locking me into the house. When I opened the back door, I tried to make their cat stay inside, but it slipped through my legs and went out. Their other cat is outside all the time, so I didn't think it was too much of a big deal. I went back to the room I stayed in and worried about the cat, and just sat there until Ashley's mom woke up and came into the room.

I told her I was unable to leave and asked her if it was alright that their cat went outside. "ummm, no..." she said. I got a sinking feeling... did I really just let their family pet into the wild? What if it never came back? She insisted that I go on home and was really sweet about it, but I could tell she was nervous and I felt terrible and refused to leave until we found it. I prayed to myself that we would find it at all...
Luckily I spotted it behind the garage and her mom took it inside while I made sure that Ned, Austin's dog, didn't run off. I hopped in my car and drove home feeling relieved that I didn't ruin the Sullivan's XMas by loss of a beloved cat.

The hangover from going to Crown Town kicked in severely but I promised my mom I would go over there earlier than usual on Christmas eve to help setup the TV she bought my dad for the living room. FINALLY they got rid of their huge, outdated dinosaur TV. Later that evening we got to church late so we had to stand the whole time, which didn't make for a very pleasant experience in my uncomfortable shoes. Then my mom's whole side of the family came over to my parents house as usual, and we had a blast. My brother, my cousin, my father, and myself stayed up until 3 am determined to kill the largest bottle of Belvedere I've ever seen. We were successful in this goal, to our detriment on Christmas morning. Two nights in a row proved to be too much.

Santa came, and I was lucky enough to get the new iPhone 4, some gift certificates to Target and Texas Art Supply, a blank journal, 7 bottles of wine (I promise I'm not an alcoholic... only on the holidays), and 2 pairs of Tory Burch shoes - a pair of flats and a pair of heels. Santa also helped pay for my mattress that I got in October, which was the main present. I feel completely spoiled and grateful, and am loving everything!

I feel successful in the gifts I got everyone in my family. I bought my brother several months of NetFlix, and my brother and I got my mom a new purse and the new Kindle 3G, and my father a huge gift certificate to Academy (the only thing he ever seems to want).  It sounds trite, but I am so fortunate to love my family as much as I do - they are so fun to spend time with.

Now I need to start thinking about my New Year's resolutions and looking for positive things to do even though the holiday fun is officially over...

Party in the USA

We knew it was only a matter of time before a camera caught Miley Cyrus with her mouth wrapped around something long and cylindrical. However, the last thing we thought it would be was a bong. We share in your disappointment, Billy Ray.

Fortunately, the harmonizing hayseed wasn't puffing on the forbidden Mary Jane, but rather Salvia, a psychoactive plant that makes you trip balls and inexplicably film friends doing the same.
Is Salvia a sacred leaf that binds mind and spirit into a mystical realm of higher understanding, or is it another havoc wreaking party drug? Up to you. One known side effect? It's been a pain in Miley's ass.

16

States have enacted legislation to place regulatory controls on Salvia divinorum and/or salvinorin A as of February, 2010. Still legal in most of the U.S., it is sold on the web and in head shops up to 120 times its natural potency. Makes you yearn for the simpler times when kids huffed rubber cement.

I am 100 percent in favor of the intelligent use of drugs, and 1,000 percent against the thoughtless use of them, whether caffeine or LSD.

Timothy Leary

desultory

adj.     wavering, unsteady, erratic.

Used in a sentence: Much like midget porn, Salvia has a highly desultory effect on its users.

Maybe twenty years from now Salvia will be effectively used to treat Alzheimer's or chronic pain, provided the bureaucrats don't kill the drug's medicinal potential after Miley let the cat out of the bag. Thanks for ruining the magical underground herb that's a legal trip (for now). However, I will say, Kudos to Miley (or i suppose her friend) for playing some Bush in the background. At least someone with shitty taste in music has friends that don't.

Ke$ha was just as sexy in high school

Some people wonder why Ke$ha wears so much glitter and paint and all these distractions. Those people clearly haven’t seen her yearbook photo from Brentwood High School (go Bruins!), about 20 minutes south of Nashville. Maybe it’s because the picture is a grainy black and white, but she looks like Nosferatu. I’m scared to even turn around right now. I feel like, because I opened this picture, she might be behind me.

(to be honest this is sort of surprising because she looked way better when her family hosted paris hilton and nicole richie on ‘the simple life’.)

Happy Holidays

Last Weekend

This past weekend was pretty much one of the best weekends I've had of the entire year, no exaggeration.


On Friday I went and saw a small show that a family friend opened for. He was good, but the headliner was better, and hot. And married. That didn't stop me from elbowing a few people out of the way to talk to him afterwards and let him know how much I enjoyed creepily watching him from the corner while picturing the two of us naked together.


If that wasn't forward enough, I bought 2 CDs that will probably stay in the cellophane for the next couple of years. I was going to get just one, but then I saw one with an elephant on the front and couldn't resist.


Saturday morning I woke up bright and early to pick Laura and Jacob up for a grand zoo adventure. What an absolutely GORGEOUS day to be outside at the zoo. 

Laura forgot her booster stool.

Most of the animals were laying out in the sun, and the highlight were the baby elephants that were trotting around!!!! One was only a few months, and the other was just 9 weeks old! He was so adorable and still fuzzy and Laura and Jacob were pretty bushed out when I made them stay and watch for a solid 30 minutes, then go back by for an additional 20 minutes on the way out.

 Babies. OMG SO CUTE.

Can't handle it.

Baby got tired and passed out under mom to rest.

It was really great seeing Jacob since it had been a long time since I had seen him, and he was especially a great sport when he took a ton of pictures for me and even posed to take art kid pictures by a painted mural against his will.

We eventually made our way over to the orangutans and they were out running around eating fruit the the zookeepers had set out for them. Right outside of the exhibit there were Christmas ornaments on display that the orangutans had painted themselves, so naturally I had to buy one. It even came with a picture of the artist - so cute! The proceeds went to orangutan preservation.

 I know. I'm really mature.

 Bonus picture. You're welcome.

Afterwards we grabbed a bite to eat in the Heights and I dropped them home so they could continue their weekend adventures, and I went to continue mine by picking up partner in crime/wife Ashley. We went to the First Saturday Arts Market and then grabbed our other spouse to get a margarita outside.


It was so wonderful spending the day outdoors. I met up with Justin later that night and had some drinks with friends of his, then came home and stayed up until 5 am working on another art piece. 


Sunday I went to Texas Art Supply and went absolutely out of control, as usual there. I got a ton of new canvases, sharpies, paints, handmade paper, etc. Then it was back to A&J's to take some pictures for their Christmas card, which was fun because their model dog, Luke was in all of them and just loves posing for pictures. For instance, take a look at this glamour shot:

His level of cuteness is pretty much off the charts, and makes me excited for the day that I will have Margot. Yes, Margot will be the name of my dog, and I'll have you know that she and Luke are going to be in LOVE.


Afterwards I stopped by the rents, went to dinner with 5 other gals from work, then came home and realized that the entire weekend was already over. What an awesome couple of days that I really needed.

Balloon Bass and Box Jam

I know I'm getting video happy, but this is pretty amazing.


Ballon Bass And Box Jam 

Beat Boxin, Part 2

I think it's only fair that a chick gets recognized as well....


Cute Girl Has Amazing Beat Box Skill 

Beat Boxin

I think Razel finally has some competition...


Amazing French Beat-Boxer 

Bongress

It is a debate that has raged on for decades: are longtime Sesame Street roommates Bert and Ernie gay? That, friends, is a prickly pear, but you can bet your Johnson that Big Bird certainly knows his way around a cockatoo.

Speaking of age old debates, the decriminalization of marijuana is one political ping pong ball that has never been returned successfully. White funk soul brother, Asher Roth, feels so strongly about helping the hazy-eyed, organic goddess Mary Jane break free from her oppressive shackles in California that he has created a website,Bongress, to encourage voters to vote in favor of Proposition 19 on election day.

Roth, a gifted linguist, is also politically savvy. Knowing many ballot issues get washed out in petty, party-line politics, he has created a bipartisan U.S. bongress, made up of Demochronics and Repufflicans, all with the shared goal of pushing Prop. 19 through come November 2. High hopes indeed (get it?).

$14B	Estimated value of California's annual marijuana crop, per a state report. California's annual grape crop for wine is $2 billion. It's possible someday instead of having a glass of red or white, you may be able to choose a bowl of White Widow or Red Skunk… in pot country.

Broadus Effect

noun.     a phenomenon in which voters uncomfortable with telling live pollsters how they really feel on sensitive issues say they support the popular opinion as opposed to divulging their true feelings.

Coined by pollster analyst Nate Silver, and named after his hip-hop highness,Snoop Dogg, the Broadus Effect is the opposite of the Bradley Effect.

Legislation was passed by the Virginia Assembly in 1619 requiring every farmer to grow hemp. In Pennsylvania, Virginia, and Maryland, hemp was allowed to be exchanged as legal tender. Today, it is illegal for American farmers to grow hemp in spite of the fact that it can be used in the manufacture of tens of thousands of environmentally friendly products.

A Simple Plant

50,000 people a year die of alcohol poisoning. You cannot overdose on pot. Approximately $10 billion of taxpayers' money is spent annually on marijuana prohibition in the U.S. 90% of marijuana-related arrests are for simple possession. If passed, Prop. 19 could lower the cost of weed by 80% and reduce Mexican cartels' profits by 60%. 40 percent of the U.S. population has tried marijuana at least once. (PSSSSSSHHHH. We all know that number is totally higher... come on people - it's time to start admitting the truth).

Whether you're down with decriminalization or up in arms over Prop. 19, get out and vote and let your voice be heard. In the meantime, check out brother Asher Roth's site,Bongress.

Gossip

Entertainment Weekly has new pictures from ‘Captain America’, starring Chris Evans. This could turn out to be the best superhero movie of the year, especially if you’re a guy and so is your date. And check out Dr. Ass Looker back there in the goggles. That guy is in love. Hey, eyes up here buddy.

Also, can someone please tell me if Kate Hudson got implants or not? Rachel, you might be an expert on this one...I want to know. It's really bothering me that I can't figure it out. 

And finally, on a completely different note, please observe Courtney Love's latest drunken shopping excursion:

What's even sadder than her ass is that she was probably out buying gifts for Kurt. Pssssttt...Courtney. He's dead. Oh, you already knew that? Then yeah, that color will look great on him.

Shopping Lust of the Week

Take a look at this beauty.

I want. Bad.

The Movies

The movies. It’s always been a favorite pastime of many, especially including myself. You get to sit in a cold, dark theater away from home and all other life distractions where you allow yourself to escape for 2 hours in a story that is visually and mentally captivating. The screen is huge. The food smells delicious. You are keeping up with the latest works of art so you can provide your own expert opinion during Oscar season. It’s everything that the heart of American entertainment claims they provide, right?

Well… not so much. I don’t know if it’s because I’m getting older and more jaded, or if people really have become more annoying and disgusting, but the movie theaters lately have NOT been that amazing of an experience. Here’s why:

Firstly, I easily remember when movie tickets cost a whopping $4 back in the day. Prices quickly escalated to $5, but that was still ok because you could easily scrape by with a wrinkled $5 bill in your pocket. Movies these days average at about $10, with the movie theater right by my house even costing $12 at night. TWELVE DOLLARS. Am I the only person who thinks that is ridiculously expensive for a 2 hour flick? Especially because every time you go see a movie, it’s a gamble on whether or not it will actually be any good.

Once I get over that painful expenditure, I feel the effects of summer, wanting something cool and refreshing to drink. That is, until a small coke is $5. Sorry, your watered-down soda in a gnome- sized cup that will only end up making me miss parts of the $12 I spent on the movie to go pee isn’t worth it (most of the time… and don’t even get me started on the bathrooms because that will derail this rant entirely). The long lines consist of people like Rachel who have popcorn problems, disgustingly overcooked hotdogs that I’m pretty sure the FDA doesn’t regulate, candy, pretzels, etc.

I make it into the theater, thankful that I wore close-toed shoes as to avoid hepatitis and Wal-Mart feet from all of the filth and stickiness of the watchers before me. Usually I am one of the first ones in the theater, so the perfect seats are mine for the taking. This is the point in time as to which I either visit with a friend, sit quietly and listen to other people’s conversations around me, or listen to other people’s conversations around me and then mock them with a friend. As people slowly file in, I start to get that panic that someone will sit directly in front of me. Not like it will obstruct my view, but because I just don’t really like people. Especially when I feel that they are in my space. And mainly because, does anyone else notice (or seem to care) that despite a relatively empty theater, someone always comes and sits right next to you or directly in front of you? UGH!

Just the other night, I was sitting in my movie chair, patiently awaiting the start of the film, when I see about a 400 lb guy with his 2 lb girlfriend walk in. Ohhh shit. Great. This is just Great. Maybe he will go to the other sid--- fuck. He’s coming closer to me. How can he possibly climb all these stairs? I’m not going to take my feet off of the seat in front of me, despite it being rude. God damnit, the row right in front of me… no…please…

And there you have it. DIRECTLY in front of me. Interesting how the largest man in the theater sits in front of the girl with the longest legs in the theater. His weight causes the seat to aggressively lean back and take up precious real estate for my stems, which I [un]politely tap right back on the back of his seat with my foot.

I get over it because it’s dark and don’t want to whine. So the previews start, which is always the point in time that you should stop talking, but shouldn’t throw a fit if people are still continuing their conversations. As I give the couple behind me a chance to wrap things up, I then start to worry if they are going to be “talkers” throughout the entire film. Talkers are either one or a combination of the following:

a)      Really old people who can’t hear themselves when they ask their friend a question

b)      Middle aged women who have no concept or courtesy for other people

c)       White trash a-holes who are convinced that if anyone says something to them about their talking that they can beat the shit out of them.

d)      Idiotic teenagers who giggle, dry hump, and do everything within their power to act cool in front of the other idiotic teenagers (I wouldn’t know, I was never one….)

I absolutely can’t stand talkers. If you are a talker, and you have sat in my general vicinity in a theater, you have undoubtedly gotten a go to hell look from me. If that doesn’t shut you up, then maybe the “whip my head around really fast and THEN give you the go to hell look” might have worked. Most talkers also have absolutely nothing profound to say, either. During The Social Network, a movie full of quips and articulate dialogue to represent intellect of the characters, a lady kept exclaiming “Wow, he’s smart.” Really? I thought that technical geniuses that attend Harvard weren’t for some reason…Ugh.  I digress…

In combination with the large man in the seat in front of me and the talkers behind me, I also get the thrill of having the “crinkler” a few seats down. Crinklers are people who don’t talk, but have absolutely no regard for how loud their wrappers are. A minute of it is acceptable; an hour of it is not. Peggy Sue was absolutely annihilating her soft pretzel so intensely that she didn’t bother even taking it out of the wrapper first. Each bite and repositioning of the hands resulted in an ear bleeding adventure. If your cookie dough bites (vomit) are in cellophane, please dump them in your hands at once to avoid revisiting the inside of the box for each bite. And don’t act like you are concerned about them melting in your hand… you are eating cookie dough bites. Also, the repulsive act of tilting the box up to your mouth and inhaling twenty of them at once is less noisy, but visually distracting, so avoid that as well. It’s best to just eat before the previews or not at all.

While I understand that I am an absolute scrooge when it comes to tolerating people, I realize that I made the choice to attend the theater. The bottom line is, I can’t really stand people in general. Netflix and I have a great thing going for us; maybe I should stick to that.

On a side note, The Social Network and Hereafter were both EXCELLENT movies.  Happy viewing, everyone.

The Latest

Can be found in the Art Gallery, as always.

2 Million Dollar Bra

Adriana Lima wore a $2 million bra, called the Bombshell Fantasy Bra, designed by Damiani for Victoria’s Secret, in New York today, and it seems like if they were gonna go to all this trouble, they would have at least chosen a girl with a kick ass rack.

Taylor Swift is Whining Again

About John Mayer this time, according to TD.

Taylor Swift, who is 20, briefly dated John Mayer, who is 33, last year while collaborating on her record, and since every bad date this vindictive lunatic ever goes on gets a song about it, it’s a safe bet that the song on her new album called ‘Dear John’ is about Mayer.

The album won’t be released until Oct. 25, but Yahoo Music has the lyrics.

“Dear John/I see it all now that you’re gone/Don’t you think I was too young/To be messed with/The girl in the dress/Cried the whole way home/I should’ve known.”
“It was wrong/Don’t you think nineteen’s too young/To be played/By your dark, twisted games/When I loved you so.”
“My mother accused me of losing my mind/But I swore I was fine.”
“You’ll add my name to your long list of traitors who don’t understand/And I’ll look back in regret I ignored what they said/’Run as fast as you can’.”

Gee Taylor, maybe your dates would go better if the guy didn’t live every minute under the pressure that if he does something wrong, you’ll make him look like an asshole in front of millions of people.

Luckily, in this case, Mayer can write songs too. I think a good song would be one about a guy who worked really long hours locked in a room with this young needy slut who made it clear she was ready to give it up, so the guy was like, yeah okay why not. But she was horrible in bed and super clingy so he bailed. The song is called, “Two Can Play This Little Game, Dumb Ass”.

10 Baby Products Great for Traumatizing Infants

Raising a baby is a tough gig. "Experts" declare at every turn that the wrong decisions on nutrition, napping or enrichment will render your child emotionally barren, homeless, sexually deviant and, worst of all, short. It's no wonder child rearing products are such a huge industry. Here are some products perfect for developing little tykes ... into adults who want to murder their parents.



#10. Zaky Infant Pillow

The Zaky Infant Pillow will simulate your touch to soothe your child into rest, provided the baby is accustomed to being palmed by disembodied sausage-fingers.

They are weighted to remain firmly positioned, which is useful to parents who don't want to baby's first memory to be "The time mommy's massive foreman hands mercilessly pinned me down"

#9. Baby Keeper

This is a dangerous idea. Not because it looks unstable or poorly constructed, but because its utility is too seductive.

Once the parent realizes how freeing this is, it will never stop with bathroom breaks. Want to vacuum? Slap that squirming bundle of modern art up on a closet door for a few minutes! Not enough room for the groceries and the child safety seat in the car? Use those hooks on the bumper and make an impromptu side car!

#8. Pee-Pee Teeee

It's not just a mechanism to block rogue urine sprays , it's a festive party hat for your baby's junk!

We noticed they are sized so adults can wear them too, but you might consider not breaking it out at the next office shindig. You don't want your last name being synonymous with HR's "Penis Hat" precedent for inappropriate conduct.

#7. Au Pair Baby Leash

This is a great way to teach your children "I trust you exactly none." Think of it as a renewed umbilical cord designed to transfer shame instead of nutrients.

Note: this product is NOT recommended for joggers. That's a mistake you'll only make once.

#6. "Daddle"

Sure, you could provide "horsie rides" without it, but then you wouldn't have a baby toy that doubles as an accoutrement for submissive sex play.

Not many kids toys come with the advisory "Don't leave children unattended with this toy. Also never forget your safeword."

#5. Manual Snot Sucker

Here are two key points when using this product :

* Take the time to fully sterile the equipment before every use. You will also want to budget some time during use for letting the waves of nausea pass when you realize what you're collecting in that straw.

* When you feel pressure inserting the tube, stop promptly. If you notice the child cannot move the left side of its body when you apply suction, you've gone too far.

#4. Po-Knee

The cleverly named Po-Knee brings the technology of faux pony rides into the new millenium. Never before has Creepy Uncle bait been so sophisticated.

Parents, always verify the individual offering a spirited Po-Knee ride is wearing pants.

#3. Bucktooth Pacifier

Not only is this unspeakably cute , it comes with additional benefits as well. This gift will encourage random people to point and laugh at your baby, the one individual who isn't in on the joke.

This will help educate your baby on the soul-crushing bleakness that this world will rain upon them through the whole of their painful, pathetic lives. It's a small price to pay to have your baby wook wike a widdle bunny-wabbit! Awwwww!

#2. Baby Mop

Inventors in Japan are fed up with babies constantly making messes and never cleaning up after themselves. Introducing the baby mop, this leverages the all natural cleaning power of drool to buff your floors to a high shine. Please note that extended wear on carpet may build a static charge equivalent to licking a car battery. 

#1. Her First Heels

Coming soon: Her First Drunken Bar Encounter and Her First Awkward Morning After. Collect all three!

Tart Her Up, LLC. cannot be held accountable for any swing in sexuality by putting these on your son.