Raising a baby is a tough gig. "Experts" declare at every turn that the wrong decisions on nutrition, napping or enrichment will render your child emotionally barren, homeless, sexually deviant and, worst of all, short. It's no wonder child rearing products are such a huge industry. Here are some products perfect for developing little tykes ... into adults who want to murder their parents.
#10. Zaky Infant Pillow
The Zaky Infant Pillow will simulate your touch to soothe your child into rest, provided the baby is accustomed to being palmed by disembodied sausage-fingers.
They are weighted to remain firmly positioned, which is useful to parents who don't want to baby's first memory to be "The time mommy's massive foreman hands mercilessly pinned me down"
#9. Baby Keeper
This is a dangerous idea. Not because it looks unstable or poorly constructed, but because its utility is too seductive.
Once the parent realizes how freeing this is, it will never stop with bathroom breaks. Want to vacuum? Slap that squirming bundle of modern art up on a closet door for a few minutes! Not enough room for the groceries and the child safety seat in the car? Use those hooks on the bumper and make an impromptu side car!
It's not just a mechanism to block rogue urine sprays , it's a festive party hat for your baby's junk!
We noticed they are sized so adults can wear them too, but you might consider not breaking it out at the next office shindig. You don't want your last name being synonymous with HR's "Penis Hat" precedent for inappropriate conduct.
This is a great way to teach your children "I trust you exactly none." Think of it as a renewed umbilical cord designed to transfer shame instead of nutrients.
Note: this product is NOT recommended for joggers. That's a mistake you'll only make once.
#6. "Daddle"
Sure, you could provide "horsie rides" without it, but then you wouldn't have a baby toy that doubles as an accoutrement for submissive sex play.
Not many kids toys come with the advisory "Don't leave children unattended with this toy. Also never forget your safeword."
#5. Manual Snot Sucker
Here are two key points when using this product :
* Take the time to fully sterile the equipment before every use. You will also want to budget some time during use for letting the waves of nausea pass when you realize what you're collecting in that straw.
* When you feel pressure inserting the tube, stop promptly. If you notice the child cannot move the left side of its body when you apply suction, you've gone too far.
#4. Po-Knee
The cleverly named Po-Knee brings the technology of faux pony rides into the new millenium. Never before has Creepy Uncle bait been so sophisticated.
Parents, always verify the individual offering a spirited Po-Knee ride is wearing pants.
#3. Bucktooth Pacifier
Not only is this unspeakably cute , it comes with additional benefits as well. This gift will encourage random people to point and laugh at your baby, the one individual who isn't in on the joke.
This will help educate your baby on the soul-crushing bleakness that this world will rain upon them through the whole of their painful, pathetic lives. It's a small price to pay to have your baby wook wike a widdle bunny-wabbit! Awwwww!
#2. Baby Mop
Inventors in Japan are fed up with babies constantly making messes and never cleaning up after themselves. Introducing the baby mop, this leverages the all natural cleaning power of drool to buff your floors to a high shine. Please note that extended wear on carpet may build a static charge equivalent to licking a car battery.
#1. Her First Heels
Coming soon: Her First Drunken Bar Encounter and Her First Awkward Morning After. Collect all three!
Tart Her Up, LLC. cannot be held accountable for any swing in sexuality by putting these on your son.
I think that the baby mop and snot sucker would be on my baby wish list for sure....
ReplyDeleteThanks for all your sweet comments on the blog. I think running/walking three miles is excellent. I am telling you I still fondly remember how long it took me to get up to running five miles (like three years). And right now I wish I could run 3 miles, my body still aches. I miss you!!