Bongress

It is a debate that has raged on for decades: are longtime Sesame Street roommates Bert and Ernie gay? That, friends, is a prickly pear, but you can bet your Johnson that Big Bird certainly knows his way around a cockatoo.

Speaking of age old debates, the decriminalization of marijuana is one political ping pong ball that has never been returned successfully. White funk soul brother, Asher Roth, feels so strongly about helping the hazy-eyed, organic goddess Mary Jane break free from her oppressive shackles in California that he has created a website,Bongress, to encourage voters to vote in favor of Proposition 19 on election day.

Roth, a gifted linguist, is also politically savvy. Knowing many ballot issues get washed out in petty, party-line politics, he has created a bipartisan U.S. bongress, made up of Demochronics and Repufflicans, all with the shared goal of pushing Prop. 19 through come November 2. High hopes indeed (get it?).

$14B	Estimated value of California's annual marijuana crop, per a state report. California's annual grape crop for wine is $2 billion. It's possible someday instead of having a glass of red or white, you may be able to choose a bowl of White Widow or Red Skunk… in pot country.

Broadus Effect

noun.     a phenomenon in which voters uncomfortable with telling live pollsters how they really feel on sensitive issues say they support the popular opinion as opposed to divulging their true feelings.

Coined by pollster analyst Nate Silver, and named after his hip-hop highness,Snoop Dogg, the Broadus Effect is the opposite of the Bradley Effect.

Legislation was passed by the Virginia Assembly in 1619 requiring every farmer to grow hemp. In Pennsylvania, Virginia, and Maryland, hemp was allowed to be exchanged as legal tender. Today, it is illegal for American farmers to grow hemp in spite of the fact that it can be used in the manufacture of tens of thousands of environmentally friendly products.

A Simple Plant

50,000 people a year die of alcohol poisoning. You cannot overdose on pot. Approximately $10 billion of taxpayers' money is spent annually on marijuana prohibition in the U.S. 90% of marijuana-related arrests are for simple possession. If passed, Prop. 19 could lower the cost of weed by 80% and reduce Mexican cartels' profits by 60%. 40 percent of the U.S. population has tried marijuana at least once. (PSSSSSSHHHH. We all know that number is totally higher... come on people - it's time to start admitting the truth).

Whether you're down with decriminalization or up in arms over Prop. 19, get out and vote and let your voice be heard. In the meantime, check out brother Asher Roth's site,Bongress.

Gossip

Entertainment Weekly has new pictures from ‘Captain America’, starring Chris Evans. This could turn out to be the best superhero movie of the year, especially if you’re a guy and so is your date. And check out Dr. Ass Looker back there in the goggles. That guy is in love. Hey, eyes up here buddy.

Also, can someone please tell me if Kate Hudson got implants or not? Rachel, you might be an expert on this one...I want to know. It's really bothering me that I can't figure it out. 

And finally, on a completely different note, please observe Courtney Love's latest drunken shopping excursion:

What's even sadder than her ass is that she was probably out buying gifts for Kurt. Pssssttt...Courtney. He's dead. Oh, you already knew that? Then yeah, that color will look great on him.

Shopping Lust of the Week

Take a look at this beauty.

I want. Bad.

The Movies

The movies. It’s always been a favorite pastime of many, especially including myself. You get to sit in a cold, dark theater away from home and all other life distractions where you allow yourself to escape for 2 hours in a story that is visually and mentally captivating. The screen is huge. The food smells delicious. You are keeping up with the latest works of art so you can provide your own expert opinion during Oscar season. It’s everything that the heart of American entertainment claims they provide, right?

Well… not so much. I don’t know if it’s because I’m getting older and more jaded, or if people really have become more annoying and disgusting, but the movie theaters lately have NOT been that amazing of an experience. Here’s why:

Firstly, I easily remember when movie tickets cost a whopping $4 back in the day. Prices quickly escalated to $5, but that was still ok because you could easily scrape by with a wrinkled $5 bill in your pocket. Movies these days average at about $10, with the movie theater right by my house even costing $12 at night. TWELVE DOLLARS. Am I the only person who thinks that is ridiculously expensive for a 2 hour flick? Especially because every time you go see a movie, it’s a gamble on whether or not it will actually be any good.

Once I get over that painful expenditure, I feel the effects of summer, wanting something cool and refreshing to drink. That is, until a small coke is $5. Sorry, your watered-down soda in a gnome- sized cup that will only end up making me miss parts of the $12 I spent on the movie to go pee isn’t worth it (most of the time… and don’t even get me started on the bathrooms because that will derail this rant entirely). The long lines consist of people like Rachel who have popcorn problems, disgustingly overcooked hotdogs that I’m pretty sure the FDA doesn’t regulate, candy, pretzels, etc.

I make it into the theater, thankful that I wore close-toed shoes as to avoid hepatitis and Wal-Mart feet from all of the filth and stickiness of the watchers before me. Usually I am one of the first ones in the theater, so the perfect seats are mine for the taking. This is the point in time as to which I either visit with a friend, sit quietly and listen to other people’s conversations around me, or listen to other people’s conversations around me and then mock them with a friend. As people slowly file in, I start to get that panic that someone will sit directly in front of me. Not like it will obstruct my view, but because I just don’t really like people. Especially when I feel that they are in my space. And mainly because, does anyone else notice (or seem to care) that despite a relatively empty theater, someone always comes and sits right next to you or directly in front of you? UGH!

Just the other night, I was sitting in my movie chair, patiently awaiting the start of the film, when I see about a 400 lb guy with his 2 lb girlfriend walk in. Ohhh shit. Great. This is just Great. Maybe he will go to the other sid--- fuck. He’s coming closer to me. How can he possibly climb all these stairs? I’m not going to take my feet off of the seat in front of me, despite it being rude. God damnit, the row right in front of me… no…please…

And there you have it. DIRECTLY in front of me. Interesting how the largest man in the theater sits in front of the girl with the longest legs in the theater. His weight causes the seat to aggressively lean back and take up precious real estate for my stems, which I [un]politely tap right back on the back of his seat with my foot.

I get over it because it’s dark and don’t want to whine. So the previews start, which is always the point in time that you should stop talking, but shouldn’t throw a fit if people are still continuing their conversations. As I give the couple behind me a chance to wrap things up, I then start to worry if they are going to be “talkers” throughout the entire film. Talkers are either one or a combination of the following:

a)      Really old people who can’t hear themselves when they ask their friend a question

b)      Middle aged women who have no concept or courtesy for other people

c)       White trash a-holes who are convinced that if anyone says something to them about their talking that they can beat the shit out of them.

d)      Idiotic teenagers who giggle, dry hump, and do everything within their power to act cool in front of the other idiotic teenagers (I wouldn’t know, I was never one….)

I absolutely can’t stand talkers. If you are a talker, and you have sat in my general vicinity in a theater, you have undoubtedly gotten a go to hell look from me. If that doesn’t shut you up, then maybe the “whip my head around really fast and THEN give you the go to hell look” might have worked. Most talkers also have absolutely nothing profound to say, either. During The Social Network, a movie full of quips and articulate dialogue to represent intellect of the characters, a lady kept exclaiming “Wow, he’s smart.” Really? I thought that technical geniuses that attend Harvard weren’t for some reason…Ugh.  I digress…

In combination with the large man in the seat in front of me and the talkers behind me, I also get the thrill of having the “crinkler” a few seats down. Crinklers are people who don’t talk, but have absolutely no regard for how loud their wrappers are. A minute of it is acceptable; an hour of it is not. Peggy Sue was absolutely annihilating her soft pretzel so intensely that she didn’t bother even taking it out of the wrapper first. Each bite and repositioning of the hands resulted in an ear bleeding adventure. If your cookie dough bites (vomit) are in cellophane, please dump them in your hands at once to avoid revisiting the inside of the box for each bite. And don’t act like you are concerned about them melting in your hand… you are eating cookie dough bites. Also, the repulsive act of tilting the box up to your mouth and inhaling twenty of them at once is less noisy, but visually distracting, so avoid that as well. It’s best to just eat before the previews or not at all.

While I understand that I am an absolute scrooge when it comes to tolerating people, I realize that I made the choice to attend the theater. The bottom line is, I can’t really stand people in general. Netflix and I have a great thing going for us; maybe I should stick to that.

On a side note, The Social Network and Hereafter were both EXCELLENT movies.  Happy viewing, everyone.

The Latest

Can be found in the Art Gallery, as always.

2 Million Dollar Bra

Adriana Lima wore a $2 million bra, called the Bombshell Fantasy Bra, designed by Damiani for Victoria’s Secret, in New York today, and it seems like if they were gonna go to all this trouble, they would have at least chosen a girl with a kick ass rack.

Taylor Swift is Whining Again

About John Mayer this time, according to TD.

Taylor Swift, who is 20, briefly dated John Mayer, who is 33, last year while collaborating on her record, and since every bad date this vindictive lunatic ever goes on gets a song about it, it’s a safe bet that the song on her new album called ‘Dear John’ is about Mayer.

The album won’t be released until Oct. 25, but Yahoo Music has the lyrics.

“Dear John/I see it all now that you’re gone/Don’t you think I was too young/To be messed with/The girl in the dress/Cried the whole way home/I should’ve known.”
“It was wrong/Don’t you think nineteen’s too young/To be played/By your dark, twisted games/When I loved you so.”
“My mother accused me of losing my mind/But I swore I was fine.”
“You’ll add my name to your long list of traitors who don’t understand/And I’ll look back in regret I ignored what they said/’Run as fast as you can’.”

Gee Taylor, maybe your dates would go better if the guy didn’t live every minute under the pressure that if he does something wrong, you’ll make him look like an asshole in front of millions of people.

Luckily, in this case, Mayer can write songs too. I think a good song would be one about a guy who worked really long hours locked in a room with this young needy slut who made it clear she was ready to give it up, so the guy was like, yeah okay why not. But she was horrible in bed and super clingy so he bailed. The song is called, “Two Can Play This Little Game, Dumb Ass”.

10 Baby Products Great for Traumatizing Infants

Raising a baby is a tough gig. "Experts" declare at every turn that the wrong decisions on nutrition, napping or enrichment will render your child emotionally barren, homeless, sexually deviant and, worst of all, short. It's no wonder child rearing products are such a huge industry. Here are some products perfect for developing little tykes ... into adults who want to murder their parents.



#10. Zaky Infant Pillow

The Zaky Infant Pillow will simulate your touch to soothe your child into rest, provided the baby is accustomed to being palmed by disembodied sausage-fingers.

They are weighted to remain firmly positioned, which is useful to parents who don't want to baby's first memory to be "The time mommy's massive foreman hands mercilessly pinned me down"

#9. Baby Keeper

This is a dangerous idea. Not because it looks unstable or poorly constructed, but because its utility is too seductive.

Once the parent realizes how freeing this is, it will never stop with bathroom breaks. Want to vacuum? Slap that squirming bundle of modern art up on a closet door for a few minutes! Not enough room for the groceries and the child safety seat in the car? Use those hooks on the bumper and make an impromptu side car!

#8. Pee-Pee Teeee

It's not just a mechanism to block rogue urine sprays , it's a festive party hat for your baby's junk!

We noticed they are sized so adults can wear them too, but you might consider not breaking it out at the next office shindig. You don't want your last name being synonymous with HR's "Penis Hat" precedent for inappropriate conduct.

#7. Au Pair Baby Leash

This is a great way to teach your children "I trust you exactly none." Think of it as a renewed umbilical cord designed to transfer shame instead of nutrients.

Note: this product is NOT recommended for joggers. That's a mistake you'll only make once.

#6. "Daddle"

Sure, you could provide "horsie rides" without it, but then you wouldn't have a baby toy that doubles as an accoutrement for submissive sex play.

Not many kids toys come with the advisory "Don't leave children unattended with this toy. Also never forget your safeword."

#5. Manual Snot Sucker

Here are two key points when using this product :

* Take the time to fully sterile the equipment before every use. You will also want to budget some time during use for letting the waves of nausea pass when you realize what you're collecting in that straw.

* When you feel pressure inserting the tube, stop promptly. If you notice the child cannot move the left side of its body when you apply suction, you've gone too far.

#4. Po-Knee

The cleverly named Po-Knee brings the technology of faux pony rides into the new millenium. Never before has Creepy Uncle bait been so sophisticated.

Parents, always verify the individual offering a spirited Po-Knee ride is wearing pants.

#3. Bucktooth Pacifier

Not only is this unspeakably cute , it comes with additional benefits as well. This gift will encourage random people to point and laugh at your baby, the one individual who isn't in on the joke.

This will help educate your baby on the soul-crushing bleakness that this world will rain upon them through the whole of their painful, pathetic lives. It's a small price to pay to have your baby wook wike a widdle bunny-wabbit! Awwwww!

#2. Baby Mop

Inventors in Japan are fed up with babies constantly making messes and never cleaning up after themselves. Introducing the baby mop, this leverages the all natural cleaning power of drool to buff your floors to a high shine. Please note that extended wear on carpet may build a static charge equivalent to licking a car battery. 

#1. Her First Heels

Coming soon: Her First Drunken Bar Encounter and Her First Awkward Morning After. Collect all three!

Tart Her Up, LLC. cannot be held accountable for any swing in sexuality by putting these on your son.

Strangers at Bars

always end up on my camera

Cruella De Vil versus a Hotdog

"The View" Hosts Get Their Asses Kicked

I usually like to refrain from political issues, but thanks to Bill O'Reilly, the hosts of The View really got their panties in a wad this morning over the debate as to whether a mosque should be built at ground zero.


I'll leave my opinion out of this. I'll just sleep well knowing that these ladies' stupidity was exceptionally showcased.

It should also be known that Whoopie's incoherent sass clearly comes from her red Big Comfy Couch shoes, worm hair, gentleman's suit, a 3 year old's socks, and John Lennon glasses.

Celebrities... not so glamorous

There is a common theme with the following pictures: someone is completely ruining the moment.

 Imagine that sexy face looking you in the eye in a dimly lit room.

 What's a hideous duck-lip face and an orange tan without The Hoff in the background?

 I know what you're thinking, and no, I don't have a British accent.

Uncle Ted? Is that you?

And now for the grand finales.... I couldn't decide which one was better.

Nothing kicks off a premiere better than a pissed off Cabbage Patch Kid.

...no words.

Conversation of the Day

Please be delighted to follow a conversation I had with my friend JT this evening (Note: below is the exact conversation that occurred - no response was even slightly altered, except for his name which will just remain J):
____________________


Me: Would you rather live in a house of 100 cats for a month or poop your pants at work?


J: Poop my pants at work, I think I could keep my cool until I got myself cleaned up, reputation intact...the cats I couldn't handle.


Me: What if it was explosive di-di?


J: Like a soak-through-the-pants episode? Bring on the cats


Me: Not completely soak-through-the-pants, but pretty wet


J: Basically if I could get out the door without anybody finding out, then the poop. If I end up covered in my own feces, then definitely the cats.


Me: But you're not allowing any middle ground, here. What if an intern and a co-worker saw and that was it.


J: Such a tough dilemma... I'd probably be ok with that. I really think 100 cats for that long would be miserable


Me: Great choice.


J: Would you rather bone Paul Giamatti or Steve Buscemi?


Me: Jesus... Paul. Rosie O'Donnel or Roseanne?


J: WOW good one... Roseanne.


Me: The girl from Precious or someone with no teeth or limbs?


J: Easy, no teeth... imagine those BJs


Me: Gross. Ok what if she had teeth but no limbs


J: I'll still take limbless


Me: Ok, the girl from Precious or an attractive male?


J: Does the fact that I'm even weighing it mean I'm gay?


Me: [uncontrollable laughter]


J: I think Precious and I could work something out. 
____________________


The conversation sadly progressed for another 45 minutes and got too inappropriate to share further. I appreciate someone as ill-humored as myself.