The Movies

The movies. It’s always been a favorite pastime of many, especially including myself. You get to sit in a cold, dark theater away from home and all other life distractions where you allow yourself to escape for 2 hours in a story that is visually and mentally captivating. The screen is huge. The food smells delicious. You are keeping up with the latest works of art so you can provide your own expert opinion during Oscar season. It’s everything that the heart of American entertainment claims they provide, right?

Well… not so much. I don’t know if it’s because I’m getting older and more jaded, or if people really have become more annoying and disgusting, but the movie theaters lately have NOT been that amazing of an experience. Here’s why:

Firstly, I easily remember when movie tickets cost a whopping $4 back in the day. Prices quickly escalated to $5, but that was still ok because you could easily scrape by with a wrinkled $5 bill in your pocket. Movies these days average at about $10, with the movie theater right by my house even costing $12 at night. TWELVE DOLLARS. Am I the only person who thinks that is ridiculously expensive for a 2 hour flick? Especially because every time you go see a movie, it’s a gamble on whether or not it will actually be any good.

Once I get over that painful expenditure, I feel the effects of summer, wanting something cool and refreshing to drink. That is, until a small coke is $5. Sorry, your watered-down soda in a gnome- sized cup that will only end up making me miss parts of the $12 I spent on the movie to go pee isn’t worth it (most of the time… and don’t even get me started on the bathrooms because that will derail this rant entirely). The long lines consist of people like Rachel who have popcorn problems, disgustingly overcooked hotdogs that I’m pretty sure the FDA doesn’t regulate, candy, pretzels, etc.

I make it into the theater, thankful that I wore close-toed shoes as to avoid hepatitis and Wal-Mart feet from all of the filth and stickiness of the watchers before me. Usually I am one of the first ones in the theater, so the perfect seats are mine for the taking. This is the point in time as to which I either visit with a friend, sit quietly and listen to other people’s conversations around me, or listen to other people’s conversations around me and then mock them with a friend. As people slowly file in, I start to get that panic that someone will sit directly in front of me. Not like it will obstruct my view, but because I just don’t really like people. Especially when I feel that they are in my space. And mainly because, does anyone else notice (or seem to care) that despite a relatively empty theater, someone always comes and sits right next to you or directly in front of you? UGH!

Just the other night, I was sitting in my movie chair, patiently awaiting the start of the film, when I see about a 400 lb guy with his 2 lb girlfriend walk in. Ohhh shit. Great. This is just Great. Maybe he will go to the other sid--- fuck. He’s coming closer to me. How can he possibly climb all these stairs? I’m not going to take my feet off of the seat in front of me, despite it being rude. God damnit, the row right in front of me… no…please…

And there you have it. DIRECTLY in front of me. Interesting how the largest man in the theater sits in front of the girl with the longest legs in the theater. His weight causes the seat to aggressively lean back and take up precious real estate for my stems, which I [un]politely tap right back on the back of his seat with my foot.

I get over it because it’s dark and don’t want to whine. So the previews start, which is always the point in time that you should stop talking, but shouldn’t throw a fit if people are still continuing their conversations. As I give the couple behind me a chance to wrap things up, I then start to worry if they are going to be “talkers” throughout the entire film. Talkers are either one or a combination of the following:

a)      Really old people who can’t hear themselves when they ask their friend a question

b)      Middle aged women who have no concept or courtesy for other people

c)       White trash a-holes who are convinced that if anyone says something to them about their talking that they can beat the shit out of them.

d)      Idiotic teenagers who giggle, dry hump, and do everything within their power to act cool in front of the other idiotic teenagers (I wouldn’t know, I was never one….)

I absolutely can’t stand talkers. If you are a talker, and you have sat in my general vicinity in a theater, you have undoubtedly gotten a go to hell look from me. If that doesn’t shut you up, then maybe the “whip my head around really fast and THEN give you the go to hell look” might have worked. Most talkers also have absolutely nothing profound to say, either. During The Social Network, a movie full of quips and articulate dialogue to represent intellect of the characters, a lady kept exclaiming “Wow, he’s smart.” Really? I thought that technical geniuses that attend Harvard weren’t for some reason…Ugh.  I digress…

In combination with the large man in the seat in front of me and the talkers behind me, I also get the thrill of having the “crinkler” a few seats down. Crinklers are people who don’t talk, but have absolutely no regard for how loud their wrappers are. A minute of it is acceptable; an hour of it is not. Peggy Sue was absolutely annihilating her soft pretzel so intensely that she didn’t bother even taking it out of the wrapper first. Each bite and repositioning of the hands resulted in an ear bleeding adventure. If your cookie dough bites (vomit) are in cellophane, please dump them in your hands at once to avoid revisiting the inside of the box for each bite. And don’t act like you are concerned about them melting in your hand… you are eating cookie dough bites. Also, the repulsive act of tilting the box up to your mouth and inhaling twenty of them at once is less noisy, but visually distracting, so avoid that as well. It’s best to just eat before the previews or not at all.

While I understand that I am an absolute scrooge when it comes to tolerating people, I realize that I made the choice to attend the theater. The bottom line is, I can’t really stand people in general. Netflix and I have a great thing going for us; maybe I should stick to that.

On a side note, The Social Network and Hereafter were both EXCELLENT movies.  Happy viewing, everyone.