National Slut Day

Wednesday is September. After September is October. And we all know what comes in October... national slut day, of course!
Perhaps it's to do with my lack of a rail thin figure with huge tits, but sometimes I dread showing up to a party where girls come up with every excuse they can to have their labia hanging out. 


White panties and white bra with wings = I'm an angel!
Black panties and black bra with wings = I'm a hell's angel!
Red Panties and red bra with tail = I'm the devil!
Brown Panties and brown bra with toolbelt = I'm a construction worker!
Blue panties and blue bra with a hat = I'm a sailor!
Yellow panties and yellow bra = I'm a piece of popcorn!


Get the idea? 
And it's not like I can blame these gals- if I had a killer bod I'd absolutely just go naked and say "I'm a cavewoman!"....but that is simply not the case. Despite my several years of trying to be a sexy lion, boxer, Tom Cruise in Risky Business (a night of drinking everclear while only wearing a shirt and men's underwear can be pretty horrendous-- summersaults in a bar, anyone?), and whatever the hell else my group of friends and I decided on, it only ended in an absolute hot mess. Ripped panty hose, uncomfortable wedgies, burning my clothes in bonfires, pictures with my left boob hanging out, etc. all lead to no good. 


I think I might take a different route this year. The frontrunner? Take a look at this beauty:

I'll spare you the theme song, but I will absolutely be doing the dance all night. 

Guess I should start practicing!

Other options that I am seriously considering include:

You look like you like mustard...did I mention I was a vegetarian?

Byyyeeee Buddy!

You're drrrrrrrrruuunnkkkk!

Not sure I could master the accent. Especially after a few beers.

Cruella De-Vil. Amazing.

Any sexy single men out there that want to take a Jabba the Hutt home?

I'm pretty overwhelmed by the plethora of amazing options...

Want a Raise? Wash Your Vagina.

So, ladies, you say you want a raise? How should you go about getting it?

First, you have to figure out how to compete with the guy in the next cubicle. After all, he went to a school almost as good as yours. His grades were nearly as good as yours, too. He works hard. In fact, most mornings, he's the second person in the office. You know this, because you're always first. He is young, ruggedly good looking, and he washes his balls with a manly but fresh sandalwood soap.

What to do?

Fortunately, the good folks at Women's Day and Summer's Eve have a few words of advice for you.

(No, this is not from the Onion. It is really from a full page ad in Women's Day)

What is the very first thing you should consider if you want a raise? What is the most important thing of all?

Yup, wash that vagina, and wash it good. Remember the sandalwood-scented balls. You don't want any, ahem, untoward odors to interfere with your chances, do you? What's that you say? You don't have an odor problem? You're clean, you bathe regularly, and you don't really need advice to use a product that "cleanses away odor-causing bacteria from the external vaginal area?" What are you, a barbarian? This is a raise you're talking about.

That was #1 on the "how to get a raise" list. What was last, least important? Well, after the "wash your vagina" advice, it must be something truly inconsequential, perhaps related to toenail hygeine with closed-toe shoes, right? Let's look:

Accomplishments? Who cares? You're a woman. Nobody wants to know about your accomplishments. No, what really matters is a great fresh cut flower smell from you-know-where.

Oh, and don't forget the penultimate piece of advice:

Yeah, don't let it get personal. Let the boss sniff your panties, just don't let it get personal.

On the other hand, if you think this is one of the most outrageous and insulting advertisements you've ever seen, feel free to tell the people at Woman's Day. You can also call them at (212) 767-6000.

And don't forget the Summer's Eve people. Their toll-free number is 866-787-6383, and the website is HERE.

Gene + Jill

Saturday I went and painted at A&J's house like I usually do on weekends. I finished another dresser that looks amazing, and A finished that damn nursery dresser that she has been working on for weeks. 2 more fine looking pieces to add to our collection, if I do say so myself. Because I felt as though I hadn't infringed upon their married life enough, i stayed for dinner, where J was nice enough to make me my own spaghetti sauce sans meat. I really love spending time with them- they are such great people that have really taken me in with open arms. I also can't seem to get enough of A, which is making things pretty weird (especially when her husband finds out that I brought her flowers). A&J are one of those couples that you wouldn't picture together if you knew them separately, but when they are together they just fit perfectly. You can tell how much in love they are with each other, and it's really neat to see because that sort of spark seems to be a rarity these days (maybe because she's out of control and he puts up with it). Seeing that married couple interaction is very interesting to me because I look forward to that in my life one day. Things are going to get REAL WEIRD when they read this...

So when I got home I decided to read what was new in Stephanie's world and she had a post that included the below video in it. Steph, after viewing several of these, this one is by far my favorite too. The scenery is so pretty, and I'm pretty sure that if i do get married one day that I too will wear TOMS with my dress.


Gene + Jill // Two Pease in a Pod from capture studios on Vimeo.



To prepare for a future this beautiful, I am doing the obvious: eating handfuls of dark chocolate peanut M&Ms while watching the Emmys. Now if married life could go away for a little bit and stop making me feel like I'm nowhere near that stage in my life, I'd really appreciate it.

Mad Libs Online!

This is really great news for such a shitty Wednesday.

MadGlibs, a knock-off of Mad Libs, are now online. The fun officially never stops and immaturity is at it's finest when people are using 5th grade vocabulary and being eco-friendly (i.e. sans paper) at the same time...

www.madglibs.com

Just for all to enjoy a small sample:

Dear Mom,
I'm having a stinky time at camp. The couselor is ugly and the food is foolish. I met Bornbad and we became horny friends. Unfortunately, Bornbad is rock hard and I farted my peener so we couldn't go pooping like everybody else.

*sigh* It just never gets old.

PooParcels.com

PooParcels.com: That's Some Crappy Chocolate

Jeff had a dream. Jeff dreamed of making a little money, like all of us, but he dreamed of doing it by sending people poop. Poop-shaped chocolate, that is. With some very realistic poo molds designed by his talented wife, Jeff made some candy, and then he started Pooparcels.com.

Pooparcels.com is your number one internet site for edible poop humor gag gifts. Did a dad have a shitty work accident? Send him a chocolate turd.

Is your girlfriend acting like a shit? Send her one with loaded with peanut butter chips.

Did you friend have a baby? Send a congratulatory onesie.

Jeff enjoys what he does:
“Originally, I thought this was going to be a sort of "get back at someone" business but found out very early that it would work much better as a gag gift,so I created all the artwork in a lighthearted, funny way instead of a mean, menacing way. I like the idea of selling laughs much better than sending a mean message. As you know, toilet humor is increasingly popular, and as long as there is a market for it, I'll be selling chocolate poo.”


I asked what holidays he considered to be their peak sales periods, and he replied that Christmas and Father’s Day are the busiest, suggesting that it’s easier to give a turd to Dad than it is to Mom. I have to agree, although my mom would probably still love that shit.

There are many custom messages that you can send for a variety of holidays and occasions. Here are a few of them:

Earth Day: “Save the Endangered Feces”
The birth of a child: “Congratulations on your little shit!”
Congratulatory message: “You’re the shit!”
Get well wishes: “Heard you were feeling shitty”
Religious: “Holy shit!”
Just because you care (their best-selling message, by the way): “Just to let you know, I give a shit.”

Of course, if you’ve like to put a personal touch on your turd, you can request a custom message. Simply fill out the information on this page and choose the date that you would like it be shipped.
Jeff and his crappy employees will doo the rest.

As the site's motto tell us:
"Not everyone deserves flowers."

Hide Yo Kids

Just another excellent example of fine American citizens...



Run n' tell THAT.

Lady Gaga Crowd Surfs Naked (Almost)

I have a friend who is going as Lady Gaga for Halloween. Not so sure her husband would be thrilled with this costume...

This is the happiest young man in the world.

I hope he brought a change of pants. And then took a long shower to wash off all the diseases he just caught. 

Justin Bieber Hit In The Face With A Water Bottle

There is a God.

Celebrity (not really) Update

Earlier this week there were pictures of Mischa Barton in London with alleged track-marks on her arm and now here are new pictures to throw on the pile of all the other pictures showing her smoking weed.

This is actually really offensive. Not because she’s high, but how much god damn money is there in Hollywood where this fug bitch still has enough to cruise around St. Tropez on a yacht getting stoned? That sounds expensive. How does she pay for this? Bitch can’t even act. 

And we all know what name is mentioned next any time there is a need to talk about a living disaster that won't seem to disappear: Snooki. Bare Assed.

Raise your hand if you just vomited.

5 Dating MYTHS

#5.

Gamers Are Lonely Virgins

What We Thought:

We have previously pointed out how the "nerdy gamer who has never touched a boob" stereotype persists in movies and TV right up to this very minute. When most people think of gamers, they're likely to picture a very thin or very fat loner whose romantic resume consists of a few steamy Xbox Live chats (and that one time he got flashed on ChatRoulette).

But Science Says...

Sorry, non-gamers, but those WoW nerds probably have a more active love life than you do. The 2008 study we linked there found that gamers were twice as likely as their non-gaming counterparts to go out on dates in a given month.

Admittedly, this is considered less about video gamers suddenly becoming suave ladies' men and more about the way the growing gaming market is swallowing up people of all types. That includes millions of attractive ladies, guys.

Also, don't forget the rise in multiplayer games. You've got party games like Guitar Hero and Rock Band that are great ice-breakers (have you ever tried coming up behind her and offering to help her play the song, then letting your hand "accidentally" fall onto her boob? Don't do that.). Then of course you have all the people who have actually met in online games like World of Warcraft, some of whom have gotten married.

Add it all up, and you arrive at the indisputable scientific conclusion that video games are an ass magnet.

#4.

Online Dating is a Last Resort for Losers

What We Thought:

You can't blame us here at Cracked for having a negative view of online dating, considering how many sites apparently have to rely on spamming our comment section to get the word out.

Sure, dating sites no longer carry quite as much stigma as they once did; plenty of couples now freely admit that they met online (and not just those annoying couples in the eHarmony commercials). Yet, you still see them mocked across pop culture as the last chance for the desperate, smelly and altogether irksome who can't survive real-life encounters.

The stereotypical online date is usually a wacky horror story--the guy who was seven inches shorter and 60 pounds heavier than he claimed to be, the woman who looked nothing like her picture and confessed that she was married and also a dude. And of course the serial killers are also a problem.

"Your picture made you look way taller."

But Science Says...

Studies show that one in five dating site users goes on to marry someone they meet online, and 94 percent of couples who develop a relationship online will make it to at least the second date. Those numbers blow away what you get meeting people the old fashioned way.

"Favorite hobbies include: adjusting the speed on this treadmill with the boner you just gave me."

Why? One reason is people seem to be more open and honest online. It's counter-intuitive, since the stereotype is that every hot girl is really a 40-year-old man, and the Internet in general seems to be made up of people playing characters behind anime avatars. How could that possibly compete with the honest, soul baring that takes place on any given night at a singles bar?

"I love Bon Jovi too! And so does this boner you just gave me."

But what they're finding is that in the world of online dating, that layer of anonymity makes people more willing to confide in each other without feeling like fools. Think about it. You'd probably never confide in some random chick at a bar that your tough exterior is just an act and that you've been emotionally wounded ever since you watched your pet Turtle, Fluffy, get hit by a car when you were eight. Yet, people don't hesitate to say that stuff in their blogs. Especially for guys, the physical separation seems to just make it easier to open up.

Online dating is also a self-sustaining thing; more people than ever are using these sites, so the pool of online daters has expanded from hardcore computer nerds, escorts and the truly undatable to a wide range of people. It's gotten to the point that at least some of them are certain to share your weird-ass set of interests.

#3.

Women Get All Emotional About Relationships, Men Stay Cool and Logical

What We Thought:

How many movies have you seen where the hysterical woman is bursting into tears over something her man has said, while the calm, collected guy is patiently trying to get her to calm down? While astride a chopper?

Even in "chick flicks," it's the same deal. You could call this the Sex and the City syndrome. Carrie Bradshaw and crew spend every waking moment dissecting their relationships. Whether they're at a fashion show, brunch, or riding camels in the desert, they let us know through dialogue or emotional voiced over monologues that they have men on their minds.

Meanwhile, the happily oblivious men of the show stomp on the ladies' hearts and then suavely return to pick up the pieces and wipe away their tears.

But Science Says...

A study of data collected from over a thousand unmarried young adults showed that men are actually more emotionally affected by relationship drama than women. They just don't show it. They're more likely to put on a brave face than post passive-aggressive Facebook statuses or complain about their significant other to their buddies. Meanwhile, they probably cry into their pillows at night after an argument with their girlfriend.

Researchers think it might be because girls generally have more close bonds with friends and family than men, so going through a rough spot with the boyfriend doesn't cut off their only outlet for emotional support. Guys, on the other hand, tend to confide only in their significant other. Emotionally, that means they have more at stake if things turn cold in the relationship.

So it is actually the ability to gossip with a tight-knit group of girlfriends that lets girls keep things on an even keel. So maybe we owe Sex and the City an apology.

Or maybe not.

2.

Feminism Kills Romance

What We Thought:

The idea that feminists make bad lovers doesn't just persist among the older generation and fratty douchebag types. After all, isn't that one of the tenets of feminism, that women don't need men? Wasn't it the founders of the modern feminist movement who coined the phrase "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle"? And aren't feminists the ones who refuse to shave their legs and shun all sexy clothing as a byproduct of male objectification and oppression?

So even if we're being as progressive and politically correct as possible about feminists, relationships just aren't their thing, right?

But Science Says...

The raw numbers say otherwise. First of all, women who identify themselves as feminists are, at any given moment, more likely to be in a heterosexual romantic relationship than women who don't (yes, "heterosexual," for those of you who secretly assume "feminist" means "lesbian").

But their boyfriends and husbands are surely miserable, right? Having to live with a woman shrieking at them about phallic oppression 24 hours a day?

Well, according to that same study, men who reported their partner was a feminist also reported more satisfaction with their sex lives than those who didn't. So as for the idea that feminists are abrasive, mannish women in flannel, either it's grossly inaccurate, or there are a lot of dudes who are into that kind of thing.

#1.

Couples Who Live Together First are Better Prepared for Marriage

What We Thought:

Society has moved on from the old idea that an unmarried couple getting a place together are "living in sin." It just doesn't make sense, right? It's logical to move in with your significant other before making a legal commitment that is likely to end in tears and a hefty divorce settlement.

This way, you can find out before marriage that Mr. Right leaves the door open when he pees and hogs the remote, or that Ms. Perfect lets her dirty dishes fester in the sink for days on end. It's like a practice marriage. And if you're not compatible, well, you can call the thing off with no consequences.

Give it a rest already, Jack.

Surely couples who live together first are better prepared for marriage than those who learn only after the wedding that the love of their life is a slovenly and irritating human being.

But Science Says...

According to researchers at the University of Denver, couples who lived together before they were engaged have a higher divorce rate and lower marital satisfaction than those who waited until they were married, or at least engaged, to shack up.

Couples who play house pre-engagement are especially doomed for failure if, as many people do, they live together before marriage as a means of testing the relationship. Word of advice: if you feel the need to test your relationship, you probably already know something's wrong with it. For instance, if your boyfriend is cheating on you with a short, balding male prostitute named Fernando. Moving in together isn't going to help.

Actually, he's kind of handsome.

But researchers think this is where another factor comes into play. Rather than treating cohabitation as a profound and lifelong commitment, couples treat it as another stage of dating. So they're quicker to agree to do it than they would be to marry. But once they're living together, they find out breaking up can be next to impossible. Financially they adjust to having just one rent and utilities payment, and all of their stuff is there. A sort of inertia sets in.

After a few years of this, everybody in your life starts pressuring them to get married and they do it, because that's just what people do, dammit.

That's right: A whole lot of married couples out there are only together because one of them was too lazy to round up some friends to help them move that heavy-ass sofa and La-Z-Boy. It turns out that's not all that solid a foundation to base a marriage on.

You win again, La-Z-Boy.