Bird Fetish

I've been painting a lot lately. It feels good.

But it puts me in a weird mood. I feel that the happiness I get from painting is a different kind of happiness... a dark happiness... despite the fact if I were to even paint something happy. I guess I have to get to that "place" mentally.

I have posted the latest in my art gallery.


I really appreciate those of you that encourage my creativity, despite the fact that most of my paintings wouldn't hold a candle to a 5th grader's talent.
Maybe I'll hang a sketch on my refrigerator so I feel accomplished.

How to Flirt to Get Ahead in Your Career

A friend of mine sent me this article (shout-out to Catie!), and reading it pretty much started my day off on the exact point I was hoping for. Just when we all find ourselves easily getting sucked into constant career/life advice from overworked and underpaid internet writers (sounds familiar), a gem appears to realign our idea of true reality. As a hardworking business woman in corporate America, I am the first to admit that I indeed work for “the man” (or several), and “the man” is not always nice, nor the easiest to please.
 
However, thanks to all higher beings for publishing this writer, who explains that I really don’t have to use my intellect whatsoever to be a successful woman; rather, a little T&A will get me to places that I never would have been capable of before! Thank you, FEMALE WRITER, for perpetually encouraging all the retards with XX chromosomes out there to never apply themselves to anything other than resting their tits on tables, caking on too much bronzer, and fake laughing at men’s unfunny jokes. I have decided to add some additional commentary to further emphasize these valuable points. Enjoy!

______________________________________

 

Flirting is a basic and fundamental form of social interaction that, despite the best efforts of managers and policy makers, is a daily part of most work environments. People flirt at work to find love, to get promotions, to pass the time, and sometimes because they just can't help themselves. At best, it's an innocent way to build positive relationships and have fun with coworkers, but at worst it's an unwelcome and offensive means of making people feel uncomfortable and harassed, but this usually only happens if you’re ugly.

But science shows that when done right flirting can raise self-esteem, boost energy levels, and even improve job satisfaction; so whether you're looking to land a big promotion or find true love, we have tips to help make it happen.

 

How to flirt to get ahead in your career

 

Flirting effectively in a professional environment really amounts to mastering the art of making people feel connected and good about themselves without crossing the line to something much more personal. Here are a few key secrets of professional flirting courtesy of Forbes.

• Smile and make eye contact to show that you're engaged and interested in what the other person is saying. Just keep nodding your head and look interested while you’re really picturing each other naked.
• Build positive rapport by making light jokes and having an overall cheerful, friendly, and open demeanor. Remember ladies: open legs = open demeanor
• Ask colleagues personal but career-related questions, like how they got into the industry or whether they've ever dealt with a particular challenge, to help you feel closer. For example, “how did you manage to get promoted and still experience erectile dysfunction at the same time? Is there anything I can do to ensure that ‘problem’ never surfaces again?”
• Flatter by complimenting successful projects, ideas, and even clothes or hair as long as you genuinely mean it. Be careful not to "play favorites" or lay it on so thick it seems insincere. For example, “I love your new haircut, Ned. It totally makes your dong look 5 inches bigger”
• Touch sparingly on the lower arm or hand to emphasize a point and connect. All other touching should only happen after lunch or in the vacant office downstairs.
• Put your best self forward and show that you're a confident professional by wearing stylish and fitted (not tight) clothes that flatter your figure but don't show too much skin. Rule of thumb: areola is acceptable; entire nipple is slutty.

 

Office romances: Tricky territory

 

Put a group of people together for eight hours a day five days a week, and attractions are bound to spring up. Get it? Office romance is a tricky thing, though, and how you handle it can affect not only your personal life but also your professional reputation and livelihood. According to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, employers are seeing an uptick in lawsuits from workers who claim they were fired in order to head off a possible discrimination case. Now when you say “head off,” do you really mean…. The litigious environment is making many companies extra cautious about workplace relationships, which is why most companies now provide free condoms in the break room.

If you do choose to pursue an office relationship, be sure to educate yourself on your company's HR policies first, keep your behavior professional at all times, and keep any romantic flirtation strictly outside the office. This is all safe talk that really means, always be extra nice to your boss’ wife.

 

Absolute workplace flirting nos nos

• Don't make people uncomfortable. If the other party is not reciprocating or the flirting feels awkward, abort mission immediately.
• Don't use touch too frequently or anywhere other than on the lower arm or hand before lunch.
• Don't dress provocatively or push the limits of professionalism by wearing clothes that are too tight, too high, or too low-cut if you want to keep your shitty salary. And keep makeup subdued and traditionally sexy fashion statements (like animal print) to small accessories only (i.e. thongs, garters, etc.).
• Don't behave seductively (licking your lips, looking people up and down, bending over, etc.) unless there is a minimum of three watching you at once. This will give them a bonding experience after you have walked away.
• Don't target specific individuals for frequent compliments or attention. Instead, make them compliment you by following the above pointers.
• Never flirt in writing, over e-mail or IM (it's never really completely deleted). Instead, photocopy your ass and slip it into a report that you deliver to your boss yourself.

 

The September Issue

Have you seen it? It is SO GOOD, especially if you enjoy documentaries as much as I do. I remember going to a little movie theater in Dallas by myself about a year and a half ago (wow, I have been in Houston officially for a year) to see it, and no one was there. It only aired in about 5 cities across the U.S., and of course Dallas was one of them, and definitely the only one in Texas. I think that’s why every time I mention it to someone in Houston that they have no idea what I am talking about.

Everyone knows that in fashion, Fall is everything. As stated in the documentary, the month of September is basically the January of fashion. It’s a time to reinvent ourselves, where all of the new looks boldly make their debuts down the runway, and when everyone goes back to school shopping. The September issue of Vogue (and now many other magazines that have followed in their footsteps) is always the largest and most intense issue of the year. If you couldn’t make the connection by now, The September Issue captures every step of the way in designing and editing the coveted magazine, led by editor-in-chief Anna Wintour.


Still doesn’t ring a bell? She is the chick that everyone said The Devil Wears Prada was about (and no, not Anne Hathaway- Meryl Streep). While I expected nothing but a cold-hard bitch throughout the film, Anna actually does smile, but it is quite evident that you don’t want to cross her path, and she dare not waste her time with anyone that is of no importance to her.

A picture of Anna, but it’s a really good one. Prolly 10 years old.

Anna has even scared her daughter away from the fashion industry, and states directly that her family finds what she does to be “quite amusing.” However, in my opinion, fierce red-head and Vogue’s creative director Grace Coddington steals the show, hands down. While the first couple of glances of her perplexed me greatly in how she would ever work at Vogue looking like such a hot mess, the documentary later reveals that she used to model (and wow was she beautiful) but then got into a car crash and had to have a lot of reconstructive surgeries on her eye. I loved her even more because she was the only person in the film to stand up to Anna in editing decisions, though she sadly lost almost all of her battles, one resulting in her almost breaking down into tears at 60 years of age. She produced photo shoots that were so amazingly beautiful I couldn’t believe it – I would have cried too. She is truly truly and artist and is someone that I would lock in a room if I knew her so I could hear her stories all day. Added bonus: she’s hilarious, which seems to be a rarity in that crowd.

Good ole Grace

Bottom Line: If you are remotely interested in fashion, it’s a must to watch it.


http://www.theseptemberissue.com/theatrical.html



Mariah Carey is a Disaster

Jesus Christ. The debate as to whether this skank has been eating too many donuts or is pregnant (perhaps it's both) is still continuing. Either way, the bitch should NOT be wearing heels.

Watch this disaster of a performance as she falls down and then has to have an assistant come on stage and take her shoes off of her mid song. I wish her dancer would have left her on the ground- we would have been able to see if she were really pregnant or not by the way she got back up.

Wait, let's just be honest. She would have stayed down on the floor either way.

Mariah, if you're still going to make a fool of yourself, at least do it in flats to protect your baby from your clumsiness. Also, stick to laying in bed or lounging in your dream closet until the 9 months are up - your babe is likely to be more deaf than I am from you constantly squealing into the microphone.

I Just Died

My heart has always had a soft-spot for little kids with glasses. I just want to squeeze them. Seriously. I know it's horrible for little babies to have to wear glasses, but it's absolutely precious. I don't find too many things in life precious (other than babies with glasses, elephants, and goldendoodles). 


So naturally when I wanted to show my cousin proof that babies with glasses melt my heart, I stumbled across the amazingly wonderful Babies with Glasses 


Here's a sample:

 omg omg omg omg omg omg omg. i just died. 

 omg omg omg omg. i just died again.

out of control cuteness.

it's all over.

Does anyone out there agree with me that these are the most precious beings you've ever seen?

Jon Hamm in Mad Men

Jon Hamm is quite possibly one of the sexiest men alive. Deciding to finally put Mad Men: Season 1 in my NetFlix cue, I started watching the season from the beginning last Sunday. I was instantly hooked. The show is amazing in every sense (great storylines, developed characters, cool era, etc.), and have I mentioned that Jon Hamm is quite possibly one of the sexiest men alive?


Just looking at a picture of him, one might say Yeah, he's sexy, but not at the top of my list. Fortunately, just looking at him isn't what makes him hot. It's his entire being- his swagger, the way he smokes his cigarette (the show is in the 50s - give me a break), his voice, the way he speaks... he's just.... smooth. Both in real life (since we hang out all the time) and in the show.

Daaaayyyyyyuuuummmmmm.

Love it.

I'm getting a little too excited about all of this. Bottom line, even if you don't find him attractive (and boys, let's just be honest, you know you want to be him)- you should definitely watch the show from the beginning. It's SO GOOD. Can't wait for disc 3 to arrive.

Are you hiring any new secretaries anytime soon?

ugh. PERFECTION. I LOVE BEARDS!!!!

Elephant LOVE

If you know me at all, you know that I'm obsessed with elephants. I really can't get over it. And at a level unlike any other animal (except maybe golden-doodles), the babies are so cute I can hardly stand it. They're like little cute, fuzzy, alien mutants that I want to squeeze uncontrollably. 

Newborn elephants already weigh more than most full-grown humans -- but the newest addition to Australia's Melbourne Zoo is a giant even by those standards.

A baby male calf was born this month at an already-robust 315 pounds. Compare that to the typical 200- to 250-pound baby elephant, and you can start to feel really bad for the mother that carried him around for 22 months. 

You bet your uterus -- elephant pregnancies last nearly two years. TWO YEARS.

"Little Man," as the zoo refers to the baby, has already been out and about. He joins six other elephants at the zoo, including his half sister Mali (which means one thing: mom is a total slut). 

Watch as he trots around and slaps some guy in the nuts several times with a trunk of his own.

UGH! I want one!

Story of My Life.

Sometimes I'm the the one with the goatee, sometimes I'm the bearded bear with the hoodie. Depends on the week.

Sad story: Rarely am I the chick in the scarf.

Why Doesn't Oprah Ever Call Me?

Oprah Winfrey surprised her audience on Monday’s season 25 premiere with an all-expenses-paid trip to Australia. Australian taxpayers were stunned to find out Tuesday that Oprah isn’t footing the bill; they are. 

The trip is estimated to cost taxpayers $3 million dollars. Granted this comes as a plan from the Australian Tourism Board. The Board claims that they have spent millions to attract more tourists to visit Australia, and believe Oprah coming there will give them much needed publicity. 

Oprah will be taking 300 audience members on the trip and will film the finale at the SydneyOpera House to be renamed Sydney Oprah House for the finale

UGH NOT FAIR! Oprah, you're out of control.

Thursday

The knight departing for new adventures offends his lady, yet she has nothing but contempt for him if he remains at her feet" 

                                         - (Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex)

Johnny Depp & Angelina Jolie Sex Tape

Ok, not really, but I had to get your attention somehow. However, the next best thing has happened: AT LAST a flick is coming out starring both Jolie and Depp. Yes, in the same film. No really, I'm serious.


According to People Magazine:

Johnny falls for Angie in The Tourist– but the romance may come with a hefty price: his life. 

In the new trailer for the action-drama, Jolie's character, Elise, deliberately crosses paths with Frank on a train, an American traveler who has retreated to Europe to mend a broken heart. 

He soon finds out – after locking lips and falling for her – that he's now entangled in a case of mistaken identity and has to go on the run. 


Check out the preview while I try to get a hold of myself. Maybe the Love Mattress is utilized in this flick...
But let's just be honest. It's going to be a terrible movie. The flick could consist of them shitting in brown sacks for 2 hours and it would still trump all the other movies starring mediocre-looking actors.

Get It On With the Love Mattress...?

If you ever thought you could use a more comfortable position during your most heated moments, then the "love mattress" might be just the ticket.

An Italian inventor has created a bed mattress equipped with a removable block on one side to allow a person to bend the knees during sexual intercourse or perhaps experiment with new positions.

Paolo Tonelli, a 50-year-old eclectic inventor, artist and writer born in South Africa to Italian parents, said he got the inspiration after reading a poll declaring that 70 percent of Italian couples had trouble having sex or couldn't find comfortable positions.

Ugh thank god I'm not wearing my onesie tonight. 

"I am not a doctor who can do something about their physical or psychological problems, but I thought I could do something about their beds," Tonelli told AOL News from his home in Mestre, Italy.

Tonelli worked on a prototype of the mattress and then teamed up with Sogniflex, a company based in Noventa Padovana, northern Italy, that produces beds and mattresses.

The mattress, which at 9.8 inches tall is slightly higher than regular ones, features a small, removable block that creates a "hole" in which a person can kneel comfortably. When it's time to sleep, the block can be put back in place -- leaving the mattress with a smooth surface not unlike other beds.

Tonelli's mattress is designed with a groove and removable block as well as handles to provide couples more options during lovemaking. There is also an outlet for a mechanical bull if couples want to experiment further. Creator not liable for injuries.

A set of handles attached to the head of the mattress and each bed comes with a set of sexy tailor-made red sheets.

"We locked a couple in the factory to have them try out the prototype for a night, and it worked," Tonelli said, adding that full-scale production is now in the works.

So far, 12 "love mattresses" have been sold, he said. The item can be purchased on eBay's Italian website, where the listed price reaches $1,900, or by calling the factory directly.


I guess one has to be getting laid to try this out appropriately, but I'm still curious.

The Zoeinator

Rachel Zoe's QVC line launches tonight at midnight!
Is it bad that I really want this vest and would get it if I wasn't broke as a joke (duh, of course it's fake)?

Her prices are actually very reasonable- this vest is only $84.
Not to mention some of her jewelry is "on another level"...


Oh. My. God.
This is bananas. 
I just died.

Sorry in advance, credit card.

Ashlee Simpson a Mess

Ashlee Simpson was at the US Open this past weekend, and although a drunken mess, she looked really hot. Like, really hot.

The tournament played a Fall Out Boy song in between sets, and while Pete seemed unphased, he was probably too focused on the fact that Ashlee experienced a very public Tourettes outbreak (she likes to call it dancing).

Hot.

Florence + The Machine

Some highlights from last night's VMA awards (don't worry, if you missed it, the show will be playing 10 times a day for the next 3 months):

• Shady's back. What was up with Rhianna stroking his chest during the song?
• Chelsea Handler was a great host, but I wish she talked more shit
• I hate Ke$ha. No, I really do.
• If Justin Beiber isn't gay then I'm not an alcoholic. Just looking at that kid annoys me
• They need to pick a better venue next time. Usually there are a lot more shots of people in the audience (reactions are everything to me). I felt like there wasn't enough of that, probably because Lady Gaga's entourage rolled 20,000 deep. This not only sucks for the lack of eyerolling and nose picking that is usually captured in these crowd shots, but for the 10 pubescent MTV contest winners that got to attend. Their noses were probably literally bleeding because of the shitty seats that binoculars couldn't cure, and no one got to see them with their braces off. UUUGGGHHH now they're never going to make the cheerleading squad.
• Speaking of Lady Gaga, she definitely didn't disappoint. Not like anyone thought that she would leave her fucking weirdness at home, but you always wonder if that will happen one day. Her outfits were completely dysfunctional for any event in life, and despite basically sitting on the bottom step of the stage, it took her 20 minutes to climb the 3 stairs and make her way to the microphone. How does one stay upright in 12 inch heels, a dress made of 100 yards of fabric, and a spiked mohawk hat? Her last acceptance speech was fucking.....weird. Weird. Weird. 
• Taylor Swift is very nice to look at, but she's obnoxious. Taylor, your music is annoying, trite, and you were unbelievably off key during your song to Kanye. Not to mention all of the poses and gestures to act out the song were too dramatic even for Cher (who looked like a fabulous tranny, as always). Stick to modeling, sweetheart.  
• Why does Mary J. Blige always wear a hat?
• Kanye's last performance was just sad. 
• Deadmau5 did an amazing job as DJ. I'm going to need to see him live. Immediately.
• The lead singer from Paramore has a great voice and is cute as a button.

However, the hands down best performance, and least noticed artist, was Florence + The Machine with their song Dog Days are Over. And I appreciate that she can actually SING. LIVE. AND SING VERY WELL, TOO. It's hard to believe that actual talent gets overlooked by MTV sometimes. Well, I take that back. They have shows like Jersey Shore and Teen Mom now.

Entertaining little Sunday. I'm satisfied.

Jack White and Karen Elson in Vogue

I'm obsessed with Jack White- so talented. Here are pictures of him and his English supermodel wife. 

Karen Elson & Jack White for Vogue US June 2010 by Annie Leibovitz

Photographed for the first time together in a publication, model and musician couple, Karen Elson and Jack White go on a whimsical road trip for the June edition of Vogue US. Captured by Annie Leibovitz, the duo wears a combination of vintage and contemporary ensembles from the likes of Marc Jacobs, Alberta Ferreti and John Galliano courtesy of Grace Coddington in Frock & Roll.

Video Phone

Lady Gaga seems to be a great influence on Beyonce these days.
Beyonce is now air humping, grinding on plastic guns, shaking her ass, grabbing her tits, and straddling chairs more than ever. 


All of this is performed to lyrics such as:

You like it when I shake it?

Shawty on a mission, what your name is?

What, you want me naked?

If you liking this position you can tape it on your video phone

Hustla keep on talkin'

You like the way it's popping?

You saying that you want me

Press record, baby film me

However, the best part is probably when Lady Gaga gets a little too out of control with her head/ponytail spin and loses her balance. Thank goodness for editing. I'm sure she sprained something.


Bottom line is, check these drag queens out. I dare you to only watch it once:

Hotdog

I got my hotdog costume today. This was pretty much my mother's reaction when I tried it on for her:

Fall Fashion

Summer is hot. It's sweaty. It causes my car to heat up and burn my ass when I get in it. I don't really like summer clothes, and I never have. If I see another hot pink blouse I'm going to vomit. Short jumpsuits with the cute florals always seem like a good idea until I try them on.

My strong weakness has always been for Fall and Winter clothes, and now they are steadily piling themselves in the stores. Cardigans, heavy sweaters, tall boots, scarves, skirts with black tights, dark leather bags, and peacoats are beginning to taunt me on the clothing racks. I bought the September issue of In Style magazine (I still need to get the Vogue issue) which caused me to immediately foam at the mouth. The only thing that would put that to a halt was to actually go shopping.

I started off small at Target, where I bought 2 cardigans, a sweater, a cute top that would look great under a jacket, and a thick brown belt. A nice, solid start. However, this morning I woke up and went to Dillards with my mom, which is my biggest weakness next to Target. I started to itch slightly at the sight of all the new collections, but knowing my strict budget and lack of additional closet space, I walked right past them and put more money in savings.

HA! I wish. I bought every fucking cute thing I saw. It's amazing how much you can spend and still feel like you didn't buy anything. 2 pairs of pants, a hat, 2 sweaters, and a blouse later, I think I'll need to pretty much move out of my apartment and claim the next available space under the bridge at I-10. I'll be the cutest homeless girl this city has ever seen.

The start of my new wardrobe for this season inspired me to come home and clean my closet out completely. I now have 3 full large trashbags of clothes, and 5 pairs of shoes that need to get out of my apartment immediately. Most people partake in spring cleaning for their summer clothing- I am quite the opposite. I feel really good about my clothes purging. Now all I need is the cold weather to blow in...

In the meantime, I'll look for part time jobs to support my habit, especially because now I am browsing:

http://www.bluefly.com

http://therow.com

http://www.chanel.com

Science Created the Universe

When it came to the creation of the Universe, God just wasn't necessary.

That's the conclusion renowned retard scientist Stephen Hawking has made in his latest, "The Grand Design," set to hit book sellers next week.

"It is not necessary to invoke God to light the blue touch paper and set the Universe going," Hawking wrote.

The Big Bang was a natural event which would have happened without the help or involvement of God, he argues.

"Because there is a law such as gravity, the Universe can and will create itself from nothing," Hawking writes.

Now, although my personal beliefs coincide with this logic, devout Christians need not be offended simply because you wouldn't believe in god either if you looked like this: