Pooping At Work

Now as I am sure we all know (whether you choose to admit it or not), there is nothing grander than experiencing a good poop, especially in the mornings when you feel like you are starting the day a little lighter on your feet and getting rid of the past crap you decided to pile drive into your mouth during the Real Housewives of NYC reunion.

However, it appears that all too often we feel rushed in the mornings, barely having time to brush our teeth and scoot out the door to make it into the hellhole of a place we like to call work, for lack of a better word. The morning routine is a beautiful thing, but one that can't be rushed by many. Some people even keep the latest newspapers and novels by the toilet to ensure ultimate relaxation and enjoyment. But after hitting the snooze button a time too many, we seem to find ourselves so preoccupied with that 8 am meeting or wondering how much Excederin to bring in case our boss is going to wear that nauseating perfume again, that we miss the opportunity to engage in such a delightful drop.

These morning stresses and time crunches inevitably result in a common phrase: sometimes, you just gotta go. In other words, pooping at work is eventually inevitable. And on top of the shame and embarrassment one feels about pooping at work, we all know that there is a strategy to it that must be executed perfectly in order to escape the stall before being spotted, leaving the smell a mystery.

There are two main strategies at work when you are mid poop and someone else walks in:

The Guerrilla Poo: When you wait silently for this person to become comfortably adjusted in the stall, then push it out and clean up so fast you've felt like your life has flashed before your eyes. As you are quickly washing your hands and you hear the other person's toilet flush, you get the fuck out and escape without them ever knowing who the smell was coming from.

The Possum Plop: When a pooper literally freezes mid turd and silently waits for the person who just entered the restroom to pee (hopefully) and exit. Once the person leaves, the pooper continues about their business. Although a great tactic when it works, it can also go terribly wrong. One example of this would be when the person peeing becomes very uncomfortable after hearing a silent pooper shifting around on the paper protector after thinking they were alone the whole time. Another would be when you are the silent pooper, but the person you are waiting on to pee and exit quickly decides to drop a dirty instead (because they think they are alone, of course). If that happens, then you quickly shift your tactic to The Guerrilla Poo and make a quick escape (and try to come back later, if necessary).

While both strategies are necessary to pursue at times, they aren't fun. Nothing beats an unscathed poo at work, especially when you have a bathroom that contains a spacious handicapped stall to utilize (just don't touch the railing). Sometimes if a pooper walks in and the bathroom is too busy to do the necessary, we just grab a paper-towel and walk right back out like you have spilled your coffee at your desk. This paper-towel shenanigan is usually followed by lingering close to the restrooms until the coast is clear.

However, it’s funny when the tables turn, is it not? When your bowels feel satisfied and it is someone else that is pooping in the bathroom when you have no intentions to, nothing could be grosser. When you walk in to a cloud of smelly filth and someone is standing there washing their hands, you try not to make eye contact but make a face to let them know you know what they just did. Or if there are two of you innocent tinklers and there is a third mystery co-worker relieving her mud butt in the last stall, a common bond is formed when the two of you look at each other at make the "OMG sick I'm going to gag" face. Sometimes when it's just me and I walk in on someone pooing i make the "wheeeww" sound out-loud just so they have extra confirmation on how gross i think they are.

Not only are there strategies, but I must admit that I have an awful curiosity that I can't help. If I'm at work and it’s apparent that someone is dropping a dirty in a stall, I look at their shoes and the bottom of their pants. I study them. Sometimes I know who they are in that very moment from talking to them earlier that day, and upon recognizing cheap navy heels I think to myself, EW! Jesus, Deon. I had no idea you could poo like that. And other times after studying the heels that I didn't recognize, I will see someone walk by with the very poop shoes that I have formerly stuck to memory and I’ll immediately restrain myself from shouting out, “POOPER!” And the rest of the day you know that they don’t know that you know they pooped. It’s some terrible psychological power to have over someone. Because if they ever piss you off (especially when it's your boss) it's always tempting to fall back on, “Oh yeah? Well how was that filthy dump you took this morning? It sounded like your ass was giving birth to a horse or something.” Note: That might be a little inappropriate for the workplace, but if you ever reach that point, its always good ammunition.

Now, when you don’t know the pooper and you identify them via their shoes, that’s fine. When you identify the pooper on real-time observation of the shoes, that really is fine as well. But when you know who is in there from the beginning and you can HEAR them take a shit, that is just gross. I mean, have a little dignity.

For example:

Someone was in the bathroom one day when I lived in Dallas and was probably experiencing the dirtiest shit of her life. I was the lucky person to walk in on it. I just wanted to take an innocent tinkle…but I couldn’t even do that because she was ripping ass so loudly. And to make it worse, I could just hear everything that was happening—even the sound of the poop entering the toilet. I LITERALLY was gagging. When it was happening, I of course, studied the shoes. To my utter disappointment, 15 min later I see Sally prancing out from the ladies room (if you could even call it a “ladies” room by this point) headed toward my desk. I immediately took notice of the shoes and identified them as the very pair of shoes that were attached to the body that was having a feces volcano explode out of her colon. Now, Sally had her desk right by mine—literally next to me, and I was absolutely repulsed for the rest of the day. Things were never really the same between us, because whenever I talked to her I would just picture the bathroom scene. We never became as close as i thought we could have. You become close THEN poop-- it can't work the opposite way.

So basically, what I am trying to say is although the concept of shitting at work or in a public bathroom disgusting, it is inevitable. But don’t develop a trick to try to identify the dirty droppers out there, because it will lead to your own demise in my experience. It’s best to just not know who the culprit is and make some friends.

A hint of advice—next time you are plopping in a public restroom (especially in the workplace)…hide your shoes. And make sure you sufficiently flush and wash your hands, for goodness sake.

Happy pooping, everyone.